Missingnin Matchmakers
by shortcrust pastry
Summary: Sasuke, Hinata and the rest of the Rookie 9 have been assigned "big brothers" while the Akatsuki, who have been caught, are on probation. What happens when the Akatsuki decide to have fun with the Rookies? SasuHina, NaruSaku and more... R&R!
1. The Introductions

helloEisley: Hi! So this is my new story, Missing-nin Matchmaker. I've been stuck on this concept for a few days and I've been planning a lot ... so I really want to know if this idea is worth pursuing. (A.K.A. if you'd be interested in me taking the story further).

**So, tell me in a review! Should I continue?  
Chapter 1, enjoy!**

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Naruto, Sakura and Sasuke all met up outside the Hokage's building.

"What do you suppose Old Tsunade wanted us for?" Naruto asked, scratching his head in confusion.

"I don't know," Sakura mused. "Are we just supposed to go in?"

"Oi! You three!"

All three of them looked up to see Kiba, Hinata and Shino walking over. "Did you get called to see the Hokage, too?" Kiba asked.

"Yeah," Naruto said, shrugging. "You guys, too?"

"I-I think it might have been the entire R-Rookie 9," Hinata mumbled.

Sakura glanced at her wristwatch. "Well then, let's wait five more minutes to see if Ino, Shikamaru and Choji show up before we go in."

Both genin teams waited in silent agreement; in about three minutes, Team 10 arrived.

"Eh?" Ino said, surprised. "It's the whole Rookie 9…"

Shikamaru and Choji only looked on in confusion, mirroring Kiba and Naruto's expressions.

"Let's just go in," Sasuke muttered, leading the way up the steps to the Hokage's office.

Everyone else followed suit. At the top of the staircase, they met Tsunade, who had been waiting for them.

"Hello, glad you all could make it," Tsunade said, a cold edge to her politeness. She'd obviously watched them dawdling at the bottom of the stairs. "Would everybody please wait in the first room to your left this way … except for Sasuke?"

The Rookie 9 exchanged shocked glances as they slowly walked down the hall to the said room, none of their eyes leaving Sasuke as he followed Tsunade into another room.

"What is this about?" Sasuke said, rather angrily.

"It can wait a while longer," Tsunade said airily. "Manners and courteousness before haste, Master Uchiha."

She offered him a drink of tea. He took a whiff before sipping it apprehensively.

"Oh, I didn't poison you," Tsunade assured him. "But I did slip one of my chakra-binding elixirs in there. It's slightly different from the one I tested on Jiraiya, but it will restrain your chakra in a hold that will render it useless and uncontrollable for the next three hours."

"W-What?" Sasuke grunted, dropping the drink onto the ground and attempting to mold chakra in his palm, to no avail. "Why?"

"Because," Tsunade said, "I don't want you to do anything rash when I bring you into this next room with the rest of the Rookie 9."

Sasuke only scowled, hiding his impatience as he allowed Tsunade to lead him back to the first room on the left down the other hallway.

When he entered the room, he was met with the most curious sight. The Rookies were all lined up on one side of the room, staring with fear and confusion and distress at the other side of the room, on which stood none other than the …

… Akatsuki.

Sasuke felt the anger and need to fight twist his intestines in bloodlust as he stared at his brother, Itachi, surrounded by comrades and equals, and he clenched his hands into fists, which did not go unnoticed by Tsunade.

"Remember," she hissed into his ear, "trying to use chakra will only hurt you."

He slowly relaxed and crossed the room to join his team.

"The Akatsuki have been caught," Tsunade said, a distinct triumphant tone to her voice.

"Can you just get on with this?" Itachi Uchiha grumbled.

"Your sentence …" Tsunade said, revelling in the dramatic pause, "is to play _big brothers _to the Rookie 9."

"WHAT?" Eighteen voices chorused simultaneously.

"Most of the advisory council wanted you to be executed, tortured, pained, humiliated, beheaded, eaten, cooked, burned, beaten … the list goes on …"

"Fine," Itachi snapped quickly, "we accept this."

"Before we go any further," Tsunade said suddenly, "I'd like Itachi Uchiha and Sasuke Uchiha to join me in the next room."

There was a sudden tension in the room as all eyes followed the two brothers, glaring daggers at each other, walking with Tsunade out of the room.

She brought them into an empty room with a decorative coffee table, a vase of daylilies resting on an embroidered doily and two comfortable armchairs.

"What is this, a nursing home?" Itachi smirked.

"Shut it," Tsunade said. "Now, have a seat, boys."

Both males scowled deeply as they sank into the armchairs.

"Talk it out. Sasuke can't form attacks and Itachi is in chakra cuffs. I have no doubt that when I return to this room in fifteen minutes, that Itachi – you will have told him everything and that Sasuke will be … different."

She left with that, leaving Sasuke curious and confused.

"What is she talking about, you bastard?" he snarled at his brother.

Itachi sighed. "Fifteen minutes? Really, she couldn't have given me more time?"

"Tell me."

"I … I had this planned from the start."

"To kill the clan? I know that."

"That was all part of a much bigger hand, little brother," Itachi said, his face expressionless. "I despised our clan."

"Your actions have justified that," Sasuke said sarcastically.

"I was consumed with bloodlust before I hit puberty. I was a little boy filled with hate and killing intent, and this made the whole clan … _proud_." He spat out the last word. "I lost all sense of feelings. I became cold, distant, heartless, and stronger than ever. I was trying to make the clan see that what they were doing for me wouldn't be good for them in the long run."

Sasuke looked up, startled.

"I was hoping they wouldn't do the same to you."

"They did," Sasuke muttered. "They trained me hard, to be like you."

"They were sick," Itachi scowled. "They wanted a killing clan. So I killed them all, and hoped that you would come after me."

"Why did you want to die?"

"Because you were the only one who was supposed to come out of my game plan alive. You were the one who wasn't focussed on power, strength … you were the one I believed could change the clan."

"What clan?" Sasuke said sarcastically. "You've done them all in."

"Exactly," Itachi shrugged. "That was my intention – to have you revive the clan as something new, something … better. And I'd hoped to be able to tell you this as I was dying by your hand … I just didn't think Old Tsunade would be able to take us all in before that happened."

"Full of surprises, aren't I?" Tsunade said, sauntering in. "Well, your minutes are over, Itachi, and I hope you've used them well. How are you feeling, Sasuke?"

The meaning behind her question was evident. Sasuke looked at his brother.

"Never better."

Hearing this, both Itachi and Tsunade brightened a little.

"Beautiful," Tsunade said, smiling lightly as she led them back into where the Akatsuki and Rookie 9 were waiting for them. Both parties eyed the Uchiha brothers as they entered with the Hokage, their gazes questioning and tense.

"So, for this punishment probation, each Akatsuki member will be able to choose their conquest. That is, after we have a round of introductions. Starting with the Akatsuki, everyone announce your name and include three things you happen to like."

There were groans erupting from both ends of the room, but Itachi stepped forward.

"Itachi Uchiha. I enjoy the feeing of sensing someone else's fear, the smell of blood and my coffee black."

The large blond with a ponytail and long bangs obscuring half of his face snorted. "Way to sell yourself as approachable, yeah," he said sarcastically. Itachi shot him a death glare.

"I'm Deidara," the large blond in question declared. "I like art, pottery and arson."

"Because that was so much better," Itachi muttered.

A redhead with brown eyes said, "Sasori of the Red Sand. I like making puppets … studying puppets … and … cows."

He heard a giggle from the Rookie 9. He looked at a petite girl with Hyuuga eyes. _Huh…_

Another of the Akatsuki stepped up. "My name is Zetsu. I like money, chewy people and observing unique Shinobi."

"You eat people?" a pink-haired kunoichi grimaced.

Zetsu chose not to answer, leaving a disgusted silence in the air between the two groups.

A man with slicked-back gray hair said, "My name is Hidan. I like … to kill, I'm a devoted Jashinist and my favourite food is spare ribs."

The only girl spoke up then. "I'm Konan. I like origami, flower pressing and flame-broiled fish."

The boy beside her said, "Call me Nagato. I like stew, practicing ninjutsu and grilled fish."

The shark-like man with the shaving sword introduced himself as, "Kisame. I like to fight, take care of my sword … and seafood."

The last man merely said, "Kakuzu. Money … people who can think for themselves in battle … and liver for dinner."

Tsunade nodded. "That was impressive." She then turned to face the Rookie 9. "Your turn. Let's start with Naruto's team, Kiba's team and then Shikamaru's team. Go."

"I'm Naruto Uzumaki!" Naruto shouted, surprising everyone in the silence. "I love cup ramen! I love Ichiraku's ramen even more! I also like to _compare ramen_!"

Everyone in the room dropped a sweat.

"Sasuke. Fighting, training … tomatoes."

This came as a surprise to nearly everyone save for Itachi, who knew Sasuke had a thing for tomatoes since childhood.

"I'm Sakura Haruno! I love the colour pink … and _Sasuke-kun_ … and shopping!"

The Akatsuki looked her over. Her hair was pink, her plaited skirt was pink, her cheerleader-like varsity top was white with a tinge of light, rosy pink on the yellow sleeves that reached to her elbows … and her eye shadow was pink. Also, her shoes were decorated with pink hearts.

"Kiba Inuzuka and this is Akamaru," Kiba said, holding up his dog. "I like dogs, action movies and dirt biking."

"I-I'm Hinata Hyuuga," Hinata said, looking at the ground. "I like the rain … and vintage … and apple strudel."

Hinata liked vintage clothes, and her new style showed it. Both of her legs were entirely wrapped in protective bandages, and over that she wore a black dress with long sleeves that was plain and simple and stopped above her knee. It wasn't _tight_, but it was form-fitting; of cotton fabric that allowed it to be slightly more flexible than fashionable.

Over the little black dress she liked to accessorize with vintage articles of clothing that varied from day to day, like blouses, wraps, scarfs, throws, cardigans and whatnot.

Today, she wore a white blouse that was slightly loose and puffy with vintage embroidery and strings and hung off her shoulders with short, round sleeves.

She'd also changed her hairstyle. It was straight, but not silky or shiny at all. It was rather blow-dried, and cut in long but choppy layers that gave it a puffy, soft lift. Her bangs were also scattered a bit in layers so as not to seem clumpy, and were violet-blue in colour.

"I'm Shino," Shino said beside her, "and I like to learn about bugs … compare different species of bugs … and eating tangerines."

"Ino Yamanaka. I like flowers and _Sasuke-kun _too and shopping!"

"Shikamaru Nara. I like to play shougi … and watch the clouds and do nothing." When all eyes turned to the last Rookie, Choji, who was eating and unable to speak, Shikamaru sighed and said, "and this is my pal, Choji. He likes chips, barbecue pork and going out to eat."

Tsunade clapped her hands together. "That's everything. Now, if I could have everyone's attention. To the Akatsuki, while you were drugged and out cold, unbreakable radars have been attached to your ankles. They consume the chakra you try to use if you attempt to make an attack to something or someone or if you're just trying to smash it off of your ankle … and they will hold onto that chakra and render you even weaker. Keep that in mind."

She turned to the Rookies. "And as for the nine of you, remember that according to the Akatsuki radars, I will be able to tell which of you are with your assigned _big brother_."

Konan coughed.

"Or sister," Tsunade corrected herself. She grabbed a pile of papers from her desk and handed each Rookie one. "These have your addresses on them. Hold them up like you're a cabby waiting at an airport."

The Rookies stared at her with humourless expressions, obediently holding the papers with their addresses over their chests.

"Akatsuki … you've heard everyone's introductions. Use what you've learned to choose wisely. You will have five seconds."

Itachi smirked. He knew who he wanted already.

Deidara stared at his choice.

Konan gave a small smile.

Hidan looked them over before deciding on the one.

Kakuzu and Zetsu exchanged knowing glances.

Nagato looked uncertain but determined.

Kisame grinned.

Sasori scratched his chin. He didn't know who to choose.

"5 …" Tsunade said loudly.

Sasori started to panic. Nagato made up his mind.

"4 … 3 … 2 …"

The Rookies held their breath and all of them were instructed to close their eyes.

"1."

There was a sudden whoosh of wind, and the Rookies' eyes snapped open to reveal the Akatsuki gone, and the papers in their hands missing.

"They'll be at your houses sooner or later," Tsunade explained. "They've taken the address from the person they chose, and if a) they don't show up within a week, consult me, and b) if you receive them with less hospitality than they deserve as human beings, you will be punished accordingly. Is that clear?"

Nine heads nodded in unison.

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Kakashi met his team on the usual bridge, and although he was late to the meeting according to the time they'd agreed upon, but his genins were even later than he was.

"What's this? I'm early?" Kakashi joked, looking up from his novel as the three appeared.

"No, you most definitely are late," Sakura confirmed, glancing at her watch. "But compared to us, yes, you are early."

"What happened?"

"Hokage's meeting," Naruto grumbled. "We've been assigned to watch the Akatsuki on punishment probation."

"Ah. I've heard rumours that the Akatsuki were caught." The Jonin snuck a glance at Sasuke, who caught it.

"It's been all worked out," Sasuke said offhandedly. Kakashi dropped it and said, "Are you ready for our mission, Team 7?"

The team nodded. "What're we doing today?" Sakura asked.

"We'll just be joining Kurenai's team to escort a group of scholars down to Suna," Kakashi explained. "They'll be waiting for us at the gates, but if the whole Rookie 9 was at this Hokage's meeting, they probably just got organized too. We can take our time."

So as they walked, Naruto and Sakura elaborated on Tsunade's orders concerning the Akatsuki, much to Kakashi's interest. However, the gray-haired Jonin was still rather curious about Itachi and Sasuke.

They met Kurenai, Kiba, Hinata and Shino at the front gate and left after having presented their mission order to the ANBU guards watching the perimeter of the village.

"You're good. Go."

The two teams and their Jonin leaders started walking casually down the path to Suna, forming a circle formation around the group of five middle-aged, though nerdy-looking scholars as they walked.

"You guys can't be older than Old Tsunade," Naruto babbled loudly. "Why do we need to walk with you down to Suna?"

"Because …" one of the scholars said, lowering his voice, "we're transporting a very important scroll containing several forbidden and new seals … that could be very dangerous in the wrong hands."

Naruto's eyes lit up but at the same time, he gulped nervously. He remembered the Sealing Scroll that Mizuki had had him steal from the Third when he was still very young and the importance behind that scroll.

"Don't worry, mister!" Naruto grinned. "We'll protect you with our lives!"

The scholar only nodded and smiled, and the by noon, the cloudy sky had only worsened.

"It looks like it might rain," Kurenai noted to Kakashi, who shrugged.

"Nothing we can't handle. We've been out in rain before, right, Team 7?"

The team only nodded. Kurenai bit her lip, looking over at her team – Kiba was talking to Hinata and Shino was carefully observing the man in front of him.

"Hey, Hinata!" Naruto said suddenly.

"N-Naruto?"

Kiba watched with amusement as a slight blush started to show among Hinata's cheeks.

"So I was wondering what you and Kiba were discussing!" Naruto said casually, falling into stride with Hinata and Kiba.

Hinata looked at Kiba. "O-Oh, he was just telling me about h-his weekend."

"That's cool," Naruto said. "Hinata, why are you so quiet?"

"I-I…"

"Sometimes I think it's because you secretly hold yourself above us," Naruto said, not really thinking about what he was saying. "Like a Sasuke. You're a Hyuuga and maybe you're just thinking about yourself and just trying to do everything and being quiet and all…"

"Are you kidding?" Kiba shouted. "Hinata is the most polite, sweet-"

If Hinata hadn't grabbed Kiba around the waist and forced a fist of chakra into his gut, Kiba would have pounced and annihilated Naruto at that moment, whose back was turned on the two of them, unaware, and continued walking.

Kakashi, Kurenai and the other scholars looked on with amusement.

Kurenai nudged Kakashi angrily. "Tell your student not to play with Hinata's self-confidence. She doesn't need it."

Kakashi obliged. He put a hand on Naruto's shoulder. "You're going about this all wrong, Naruto; if you want to discourage a cocky soul, give that speech to Sasuke."

"All right, Kakashi-sensei!" Naruto grinned, running over to where Sasuke was being harassed by Sakura and launching immediately into his speech.

"How dare he," Kiba said, glaring at Naruto's back.

"I-It's okay, Kiba … he just doesn't know that much about me … and it's my f-fault."

Kiba looked at her in surprise but didn't say anything, because at that moment they were ambushed.

About twenty masked and cloaked ninja jumped from the bushes, proceeding to attack without any exchange of words between them. Caught off guard, the two teams and Jonin leaders instantly tightened the circle around the scholars and dropped into fighting stances.

Sasuke was able to fend off two and started to fight his third with ease. Naruto was having trouble with one particular difficult ninja and Sakura was nervously remaining close to the group of scholars, watching and guarding.

Shino was leaking his bugs in every direction; Kiba and Akamaru had double-teamed two ninja, using their special jutsu, and Hinata was able to fend off two or three ninjas with the use of her Byakugan and disarming their chakra.

Kakashi and Kurenai were both fighting as many as they could, but the attackers were still outnumbering them. In the end, it was only due to Shino's careful bug-placement strategy that saved them, as four spare ninja started advancing towards Sakura.

She was unable to protect all the scholars and was about to scream until the four ninjas toppled to the ground, drained of chakra and crawling with bugs.

Sakura screamed anyway, and the remaining ninja were instantly clobbered by the distraction. The scholars, teams and Jonin leaders sighed in relief, kicked the bodies into the foliage and resumed on their way without speaking to each other.

It wasn't until Suna that Naruto walked up to Hinata again. "I'm sorry, Hinata, I really didn't mean any of that. I know you're nice and sweet and I was just angry about the Uchiha and Hyuuga and stuff and I don't even know why, but I was just tempted to speak my mind and …"

"It's really all right, N-Naruto, please don't apologize," Hinata said softly.

Kiba glared. Hinata only touched his shoulder lightly and went on ahead to escort the scholars into the Kazekage's building. The boys stayed outside.

"Say anything like that again, idiot, and you'll regret it," Kiba warned him.

"I know. I'm sorry."

Kiba dropped his fist and looked away. After a few minutes of silence, Kurenai, Kakashi, Sakura and Hinata emerged from the building. They joined Shino, Sasuke, Naruto and Kiba and they all set off back to Konoha.

When they arrived at the gates of Konoha again, they met Team 10, also returning from a lone mission.

"Eh? You all just had a mission too?" Ino asked, looking at them curiously.

Shikamaru rubbed the back of his neck. "I guess that was the time for the Akatsuki to move in."

Tsunade appeared suddenly at the gate. "You're very smart, Nara," she commented. "Yes, I've checked the radar. All the Akatsuki are waiting for you. Remember that Konoha genins the likes of you are responsible for displaying pride and hospitality in light of their crimes … common courtesy. Invite them for a drink of tea, feed them well, give them their own rooms … I don't know. Be nice," she threatened.

"We know," they all deadpanned as they set off home, each of them wondering which S-ranked criminal missing-nin they'd be stuck with.

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Tsunade found all of the Akatsuki sitting on a rail fence on the edge of town. "So, I've sent all of the genin teams on missions for the time being. You have a few hours to get settled."

Each of them held up their address to show her who they'd picked.

"Fitting choices," Tsunade approved, scanning the group quickly. "I've ordered them to treat you all with respect, but if you don't do the same for them, you _will _be left to die at the council's hands."

The Akatsuki groaned.

"Yes, you will have to _care _for these youngsters, as responsible as they are for you, you are even more so dedicated to watching them. Understand?"

Nine heads nodded. "Great. Now, I'll leave and give you time."

As soon as she was gone, Deidara turned back to the group. "So, does anyone wanna trade me?"

"You chose your own fate," Kisame said.

"I'm regretting it now."

"Your bad."

"Be responsible for and be watched by a kid …" Hidan muttered. "The two things at the very top of my things-I-never-want-to-do list…"

Itachi shrugged. "I'm not too worried."

"Yeah," Sasori said, "because for you, it's just a cute little family reunion."

Itachi grinned and held up the sign that read **SASUKE: 939 8****th**** ST. **"Looks like little brother's got a house of his own."

"Well, I'm sure that old hag Hokage's already gone and told all of the Rookies who we picked," Konan muttered.

"Maybe now we'll actually be welcomed," Nagato shrugged.

"Whatever."

"Playing big brother is going to be the worst," Kisame groaned.

"It doesn't have to be," Itachi mused. "If I remember, being a big brother was sort of fun."

"Only because you liked messing with Sasuke."

"Exactly …" There was a mischievous glint in Itachi's eyes.

"You want to mess with these kids?" Sasori said, smiling lightly.

Itachi smirked. "Only if you do."

"Let's make this probation for the genins a living hell," Deidara agreed, placing his hand palm-down in the middle of the group. "Who's in?"

"Let's do it!"

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**helloEisley: So I hope you liked it! Review and tell me what you thought! And if I should keep going with this idea :-) Please?**


	2. The Rough Starts

**helloEisley: Hey everyone! Here's the new chapter!**

**I DECIDED TO KEEP SASORI AS A HUMAN BOY. But probably later in the story, he'll make himself a puppet body so that I could have a bit of fun with both of his bodies … Hahaha. **

**To reply to some of your reviews, **I wanted to change Hinata a bit for this story … I don't like the fact that she's always dressed in a jacket and I wanted to make her like something else … I was shopping in Forever 21 when I decided that the vintage style would work just fine. What do you guys think?

And to whoever mentioned that I should try to make the characters more IC ... I don't try to intentionally go OOC. Sorry. I hate those stories where Hinata is absolutely badass or Sasuke's a geek ... those are just ridiculous and make me roll my eyes. And I want to bring them out of their 'in-a-nutshell' stereotypes: the loud one, the stupid one, the lazy one, the compulsive eater, the bitchy one, the arrogant jerk ... give them all a few more sides. But tell me ... is it that bad? Is it that OOC? **Tell in a review! **

Also, I hate how in some of the stories Hinata stutters every single word. If you listen to her in the show, it's usually just a stutter once somewhere in the sentence or just at the beginning and when she doesn't know what to say. So I give her stutters but not obnoxiously consistent ones.

**Enjoy the chapter! And review!**

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The entire Rookie 9 gathered outside Tsunade's office early the next morning.

Hinata was basically being held up by Kiba. She gave a small yawn. "W-Who schedules a meeting in the middle of the night?"

Sasuke had to smirk. "It's nine a.m."

Hinata groaned.

Kiba sank down to sit against the wall, and carefully leaned Hinata's back against his shoulder so she was sitting up beside him. "Get some shut-eye," he ordered. "Tsunade won't be here for a while, I bet."

"I-I h-had a … a … a what? Oh … (yawn) … it was a … a thing for S-Sasori … I was decorating his r-room for him …"

"Who?" Kiba asked curiously.

"Tsunade … she said that boy chose m-me … (yawn)" Hinata sighed and fell asleep.

"Did Tsunade tell _you guys_ who chose you?" Kiba asked, confused, looking up at the Rookies.

All seven heads nodded.

"Ah, that's bull crap," Kiba groaned. "I was at Hana's boyfriend's place on the other side of Fire Country all day yesterday … that woman probably couldn't find me."

"_That woman_ has a name, and a title, and a hand that controls everything in your home village," said a lofty voice, and Tsunade appeared. "Wake up Hinata and come into my office."

It took Kiba's rough shakes, Naruto's loud yelling and Sakura's gentle calling of her name to get Hinata to wake up. They literally dragged her into the room and Kiba had to keep a rough fist on the collar of her black dress to hold her upright.

"So, I know that none of the Akatsuki showed up last night. I guess when I saw them on the radar, they were only checking out your places. However, I saw most of them sleep around the village last night."

A silence followed.

"They will most definitely arrive today. If they do not, you must tell me and I will consult my little … GPS."

Naruto barked out hysterics. "AHAHAHAA … AHAHAH … That's funny … because they're like … AHAHAHA … and you watch them … AHAH … and you see where they're going … AHAHahaaha…. Ah … ah… eh ..."

"It's not even funny, Naruto," Sasuke muttered.

"Yeah, I know, I didn't really think so," Naruto said, straightening up.

Tsunade glared. "Anyway, I wanted to tell you something before they do show up."

Kiba knocked on Hinata's head, which was suspiciously bobbing lower.

"So …" Tsunade said, "The extent of this mission is tremendously long. That's the first thing."

"How long?" Naruto asked. Sasuke didn't mind; he'd probably be living with Itachi for a longer time anyhow.

"Maybe even over a year," Tsunade said quietly. "The Akatsuki are too serious of ex-convicts to be taken lightly. Their probation has to be ridiculously long and hard-driven …"

"Yeah, because the Rookie 9 are so serious and hard-driving," Sasuke muttered.

"Hey!" Naruto shouted, offended, and raised his fist to clobber Sasuke, but Sakura pounded his head in before he could do anything.

"Don't you dare hurt Sasuke-kun!"

Tsunade sighed. "So, are there any of you willing to abort mission now?"

No one moved. Then, a few uncertain but clear 'no's came up, some people merely shook their head, but Sasuke didn't hear a single 'yes' or see a single nod.

"Excellent," Tsunade said, actually smiling. "The other thing is that you all go to a public school, don't you?"

There were scattered nods, and Ino spoke up, "Konoha High."

Tsunade nodded at the name. "Right. Well, what are you? Freshmen?"

"Sophomores!" They all said indignantly.

"Sorry, sorry. Well, so that means these Akatsuki members will be … seniors. Yes, seniors. The year just began, didn't it?"

"It begins tomorrow, Tsunade," Sakura peeped.

"Oh. Perfect. So they'll be going to school with you."

"Are you joking," Kiba growled. "This is insane!"

"I agree," Naruto said, scratching his cheek. "They're criminals! It's a public school, where people piss each other off … do the math …"

Tsunade smirked. "That's why it's _your job_ to make sure they don't get in fights, or situations. You'll serve whatever punishment they receive as well, whether it's community service, detention..."

"Great," Naruto muttered.

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Deidara and Itachi found Sasori, Nagato and Konan sitting outside by that same rail fence the next day.

"Where did you sleep last night?" Itachi asked everyone, knowing full well that no one had gone home to their assigned genins.

There were a few who muttered "motel", "forest" and "rooftop". Itachi had spent the night awake, circling the Uchiha compound and reminiscing. He was tired now, but he was on his way to get some coffee.

"Well, today we have to move in," Konan reminded them all. "The genins have had a full night to prepare."

"How about some coffee," Itachi suggested, pointing to a nearby Starbucks.

They all agreed, and as they walked in, there were several stares, squeaks and cries for help. But once the villagers realized there was nothing to fear, the atmosphere settled from a terrified one to a tense one.

Itachi ordered black coffee, Deidara ordered a muffin, Sasori didn't want breakfast, Konan asked for a vanilla soy latte and Nagato only bought an organic slice of carrot cake.

As they occupied an empty table by the window at the back of the coffee shop, the Akatsuki members reflected on their numbers. "Where're Kisame and Hidan and Zetsu and Kakuzu?"

Konan shrugged. "Nagato said he saw Kisame and Hidan at the motel he stayed at … and I saw Zetsu sneaking around the forest last night."

"Kakuzu was with me," Deidara said, surprising everyone. "He left when he woke though, which was way before I did … at like three in the morning, I think. He might have gone to his kid already, yeah."

"Doubt it. The four of them might be together," Sasori mumbled.

Sure enough, the bell of the shop rang and the four remaining Akatsuki members strolled in and walked over to the full table, drawing up another one and conjoining them.

"If Zetsu hadn't spotted Konan walking into here, we would never have found you guys," Kisame said. "Can I have a bit of that?" He picked at Deidara's muffin.

The large blond huffed in annoyance and immaturely smashed the muffin into his comrade's face. "Fine, take it!"

"Control yourself!" Konan snapped peevishly. "Gosh. You act like a child."

"It's already noon," Itachi observed, as he looked at the clock at the front of the shop. "Do you think the kids are expecting us?"

"The old hag Hokage said they wouldn't have missions for the next week or so," Konan replied.

"Ah."

"Who did you pick, Konan?"

"…I'd rather not say."

Sasori gave her a smug look.

"Wipe that smirk off your face," she said quietly, angrily.

He just turned away, but his smirk remained.

Itachi watched the two of them curiously. Sasori got to his feet after a few moments' time.

"I know I hate waiting and making others wait," Sasori said, "so I guess I'll go buy a few essentials and be on my way."

The others all nodded in silent agreement as they all stood up from the table as one, and strode out of the shop. After a quick hour of buying suitable clothes, each of the Akatsuki separated and sauntered off to their designated address.

.

.

.

Shikamaru and Choji were standing outside of Shikamaru's house when Kakuzu and Nagato showed up.

"Kakuzu," Kakuzu said, extending a hand to Shikamaru, who took it.

Nagato was about to do the same, but he saw Choji's greasy fingers and thought better of it. "… Nagato."

"Kakuzu, I'll take you inside. You can meet my dad and mom and they'll do everything from there." Shikamaru said, groaning as he rubbed the back of his neck. "What a drag … this is so troublesome."

Shikamaru led Kakuzu inside, leaving Choji and Nagato to themselves.

"… You weren't at your house."

"I'm not right now, am I?" Choji said, munching another chip.

Nagato rolled his eyes. "Just take me there."

"Fine, whatever. Follow me." Choji sighed. "What a jerk."

"My hearing senses are ten times better than yours and so is my figure," Nagato snapped. "Don't be such a bitch."

.

.

.

Kisame showed up outside of Shino's house. He didn't mind the bugs all over the floors, windows and walls as much as he minded the fact that his sword happened to be inconsequently killing all of them as it dragged along the wood.

"Sorry, sorry," he muttered, weaving through the room and trying to avoid the bugs. He'd heard of this clan and how significant these bugs were. "Ah, hey kid."

Shino acknowledged him with a nod of the head and merely gestured the shark-like man into the guest room. "The room," Shino said quietly, "has been equipped with a jutsu to dispel the bugs. You won't be disturbed."

Kisame gave a nod of gratitude.

"Oh, and," Shino said, his eyebrows drawing into a scowl, "See if you can't walk around without killing every bug in your path."

"But that's impossible," Kisame whined. "Every time I walk they just get under my blade!

"... Ditch the blade or use the window."

"F … my _life_."

.

.

.

Ino was assorting flowers into a bouquet for a lady.

"Here you go, ma'am, I'm sure your husband will love it."

The woman thanked Ino profusely, paid for the bouquet and exited with a smile. Ino hollered up to her father that she'd made another sale as she ran into the back room to answer the telephone.

"Hello? Oh … Sakura! Hi! I'd love to … when? … Sure, I think I can make it. I'll meet you there, alright? Sorry, I have to go. I think I heard a customer. I'll call you back later, okay? Bye-bye!"

She hung up cheerfully and skipped back into the front of the shop, where a scary-looking man with slicked gray hair stood. He wasn't wearing the Akatsuki cloak; Hidan had in fact changed clothes.

"I'm Hidan," he said, but apparently Ino didn't recognize him.

"Ino … can I interest you in assorted orchids? … They're very popular this time of year."

The man sighed. "No, no. Take me to the bedroom."

Ino's eyes widened. "RAPE!" she screamed, cowering behind the counter.

"I'm not – I don't – stop – don't-"

"RAPE! HE'S TRYING TO RAPE ME! GO AWAY!" Ino bellowed at the top of her lungs, stomping her feet like a child as she backed up against the wall.

Hidan shouted, "I'M NOT FUCKING TOUCHING YOU!"

"What's going on here?" A police officer said, walking over.

"Nothing," Hidan glared at Ino. "I'm ... her _big brother_."

Ino got the hint. "Ohhhhh ... hehe."

The police officer handed a note to Hidan. "Charges. For breach of peace."

Ino just winked at the police officer and flounced back behind the counter to help a scared and sympathetic customer, leaving Hidan to pay the charges.

"Unfreakingbelievable."

.

.

.

There was a shatter of glass, and Naruto came running from the bathroom.

"INTRUDER!" Naruto yelled at the top of his lungs. "Show yourself! I'll kill you! I'm Naruto Uzumaki and I won't let you steal _anything_!"

Deidara rolled his eyes as he snagged the flying kunai with a single finger. He had jumped in through the window. "Gotta do better than that, little brother," he mocked. "Hey. I'm Deidara."

Naruto surveyed the large blond. "H-Hey…"

"I'll be living with you."

"Eh? Oh, right … well, um, the perverted hermit helped me get ready for you. Come on in."

"Perverted hermit?"

"Jiraiya," Naruto said absently as he showed Deidara around. "See that mattress? That's mine … it's got that black sleeping cap on it. And the one next to it against the wall is yours. You can just put your stuff anywhere, I'm not a big one on privacy … and I won't take anything, either."

Deidara nodded appreciatively and dumped his pile of belongings on the mattress.

"The bathroom's down there … there are some laxative medications … you know, I don't keep track of my expiration dates and sometimes I get heavy diarrhea … if you're going to live with me you should know that randomly eating and drinking the things in my fridge might not always be safe."

Deidara gulped.

"And I also bought you some condoms. They're in the drawer under the bathroom sink."

"Thanks, buddy," Deidara said, ruffling Naruto's head. "Thought of everything, didn't you?"

"Well, I asked my Kakashi-sensei what older men need to have and he mentioned urges or something … I'm not stupid."

"Good. What size did you get?"

Naruto paused and scratched his cheek. "... Size? Well, eh ... I got my size ... so what? I'm pretty big ... don't worry about it! Just use them for now, I guess ... or not at all ... I mean, does a guy like you even get laid?"

"Agh ... go fuck yourself."

.

.

.

Sakura heard a scream. She ran downstairs to find her mother on the verge of consciousness, leaning against the doorframe.

"You – Akatsuki … you're …"

"Mom! It's okay!" Sakura exclaimed quickly. "This is my mission." Sakura quickly explained to her mother, who still cautiously watched Konan as the older, criminal kunoichi explored the house gingerly.

"Here, Konan, I'll show you your room," Sakura smiled.

She smiled a small smile at Sakura and followed the pink-haired girl upstairs.

"See this room?" Sakura said, motioning to the door to the left. "That's my bedroom. Come find me for anything you need. The room at the end of the hall is the bathroom. Your room is this one."

Sakura walked her into a magenta-painted room with sunflower-yellow bedsheets and a cherrywood bureau and matching writing-desk in alternate corners. There was also a wall closet at the back and a mirror on the far wall.

"Sorry about the colour scheme, if you don't like it, or the arrangement of the furniture … this was just always our guest room. My mom designed it four years ago."

Konan quietly thanked Sakura and began to move in to her room. She piled some of the bras and undergarments into the bureau and used the wall closet for the outfits she'd brought.

Then, she littered her weapons onto the writing desk, removing the Akatsuki cloak and changing into a simple fighting outfit. She mussed the bedsheets a bit, bounced on the edge of the mattress, and then crossed the hall to the bathroom.

She then emerged, a few minutes later, running out looking very uncomfortable in her pants.

She bumped into Mr Haruno at the top of the stairs. "Ah … is there anything you need, Konan?" he asked politely.

"Er … is Sakura or the missus home?" Konan asked desperately.

"They've just gone out grocery shopping, but they should be back in at least a half hour," Mr Haruno said. "Is there anything you need?"

"Ah … this is awkward … but I really need a tampon right now."

Mr Haruno dropped a sweat.

.

.

.

Kiba unleashed an uncharacteristically high-pitched scream as Zetsu leaped in front of him.

"Quiet it down, kid," Zetsu said. "I'm your guest, remember?"

"_Play it cool," _Zetsu's split personality suggested. "_We can't trust him just like that."_

"Why are you always like that?" Zetsu's other personality asked.

"_Whatever. Just watch out."_

"The hell should I listen to you?"

"_Because you're going to kill yourself one day and I'll be the one to save you."_

"Keep dreaming."

"Eh?" Kiba scratched his cheek. "So … you talk to yourself often?"

"I'm Zetsu."

"Hey, I remember you. Welcome."

"Thanks, kid."

"Here's your room. My mom made it up for you. Here she is."

Tsume Inuzuka walked into the room, nervously shook hands with Zetsu, whose Venus-fly-trap appearance seemed to make her uneasy. She shot Kiba a warning look before announcing she was leaving to find Hana.

"Oh yeah, Hana is my sister," Kiba explained. "She's great. Okay, there's Akamaru … I hope you like dogs … hey, boy, how're you doing?" Kiba rubbed Akamaru behind the ears and the dog started to follow at his heels as Kiba led Zetsu further into the room.

"You can use the closet for your clothes … there's the hamper for dirty clothes … um, you don't have to make the bed every morning, we're not a neat freak family."

Zetsu purred in contentment. "Thanks, kid," he said again, jumping onto the bed and throwing his clothes straight into the closet. "_This room is pretty sweet ... _It's nothing special ... _be grateful!" _

Furrowing his brow, Kiba turned away to the kitchen.

"What a freak."

"_We_ heard that."

"I didn't - I mean, I … shit."

.

.

.

Sasori stood outside of Hinata's window. She lived in a small bungalow house, he found. He didn't want to go inside yet, so he merely scaled the wall outside, occasionally peeking inside.

When he reached the window to her bedroom, he paused. She was standing in front of the mirror. She was wearing just her long-sleeved black dress, and she was fixing some of the bandages around her legs.

He watched as she put the white puffy vintage blouse again over top of her black dress, flexed her fingers, and leaned over to the nightstand.

She grabbed a hair tie and gathered her hair into a high-ended ponytail. Then, she grabbed a kunai from her thigh pouch and two senbons, holding them in her fingers like chopsticks.

She surprised him when she whipped around to face the window.

"Who are you and what do you want?" she said suddenly, a trace of fear in her voice.

Sasori raised his eyebrows and hopped in through the window. "Take it easy," he said, lifting his hands in defeat.

"O-Oh … you're from the Akatsuki." She lowered the senbons in her hand; Sasori noticed that although she returned the kunai to her thigh pouch, her hand hovered over it.

"I'm not going to kill you," Sasori told her, annoyed.

"And I'm not going to trust a guy I just met," Hinata said, without looking back as she brought him through to the front of the house. "As far as you go, you're still an ex-S-ranked c-criminal missing-nin."

"And as far as you go, you're still just a teenage girl. You can't handle me." Sasori didn't really like her stutter … in fact, it was getting annoying. "And can you stop stuttering?"

"It's a reflex!" Hinata snapped back, angrily turning around to face him. "You make me nervous and frustrated!"

Sasori hid a smirk as he followed her to the kitchen.

"This is the kitchen," Hinata sighed, in an _I'm-sure-that's-obvious_ tone.

Sasori's inward smirk grew, but he remained outwardly passive. "Okay."

There was no living room. The kitchen took up the entire front of the house, with a table for four or five in the spacious other half where the refrigerator and stove weren't.

"Down that hall is the bathroom."

"All right."

"If you want me to trust you, don't give me monosyllables."

Sasori scowled. "Don't tell me what to do."

Hinata only gave him a fake sweet smile and shrugged. "That's better."

Sasori glowered at her. "What are you trying to pull here?"

Hinata's fake sweetness disappeared. "T-Tell me one thing," she said, stuttering for the first time in a bit as she stared straight into his brown eyes. Of course, she had to look _up _quite a lot to meet them. "Why did you even pick me?"

"Honestly?" Sasori looked away. "I didn't want the fat one, the lazy one, the loud blonde, the squeaky blond girl, the bug freak, the dog boy … and Sasuke was Itachi's. I saw Konan had her eye on you … but I wasn't going to be stuck with cotton-candy-head. I fought her off and grabbed your card."

"I would have liked Konan," Hinata admitted. "S-She seems a lot l-like me."

Sasori had to agree. Both dark-haired girls were reclusive, mature and quiet in their own way.

"I'm tired of fighting," Hinata sighed. "I-I don't like to."

Sasori shrugged. "Show me where I'm staying."

Hinata nodded and led him through the hall to a bedroom that was right beside hers. When Sasori walked in, he was pleasantly surprised.

The walls were painted in three layers of colour – the top layer was a fat strip of black, the middle was beige, and the bottom was a dark, brooding red. The walls were covered with black-and-white framed photos of storms, warhorses, battle scenes, mesmerizing pictures of bloodshed and rage. Sasori traced his fingers along the capturing glass, feeling the emotion behind the images.

"T-This is great," he said.

"I painted it and d-designed it yesterday," Hinata said shyly. "I saw that big blonde boy … and he said you like art."

"I do." He laid down his latest puppet in the corner.

"W-What's that puppet?"

"I made it … I make them for weapons."

Hinata made a noise in her throat and said, turning away, "A housewife can think she needs the best kitchen equipment to cook a gourmet meal, but the best chef knows that all he needs are the basic tools."

"Are you saying what you think you're saying?" Sasori growled.

"That you're too narrow-minded of a ninja to be a good fighter? … Yeah, yeah I would be." Hinata's confidence was returning to her now, now that she was arguing with Sasori again.

"These puppets are what I _know_," Sasori snarled. "Don't talk like you know what they are."

"I know a Sand ninja who uses a puppet …" Hinata mused, thinking of Kankuro, "and it's because he isn't the most accomplished at taijutsu."

Sasori was beyond angry. He was about to lash out again, but as he was thinking of what to say while looking around the room, he thought about how much time and effort and money she had spent to ready his room and just remained quiet.

"This," Hinata said, handing him a key, "is a key for your bedroom door. It's the only key and I can't pick locks."

"Why do you think I need it?"

"… Well … are your puppets really just for fighting?" Hinata asked, blushing, curious.

"What … are you …" Sasori's face turned to one of horror, and he jumped back a foot or two. "Oh my _God_, NO! Just … no! Get out!"

"Don't tell me you aren't a teenage boy," Hinata mumbled, blushing even redder.

Sasori wanted to laugh. And cry. He just remained horror-stricken and pointed at the door. "No … really, no. Just – leave. I'm going to unpack."

Hinata was so pink. She wondered if Sasori actually _did_, well, masturbate. Angrily, she wrung open the door. "Fine! I'm going! Out! Who knows how long! Who even cares!"

She slammed the door, and Sasori felt something twist his gut. She was more angry at something else than at him … he remembered that she was a Hyuuga, and she not living in the Hyuuga compound but rather in a house on her own … something must have happened to her.

He sighed. Sasori then looked at the clock. It was still early, and she'd gone out. He had no wish to find her in the village, or to wander aimlessly around the house until she got back.

Sasori gave his puppet a curious look. Then, he stared down at the key in his hand.

.

.

.

Sasuke looked up as Itachi walked into his house. "Eh, Itachi."

"Hey, little brother. This is quite a nice place you've got." He looked around the small bungalow house. It had a carpeted floor, a single bed in the corner of the living room – where he supposed he would be sleeping – and a television. There was also a fridge in the kitchen, an oven, a microwave and a small table that seated four.

Down the hallway was only a bathroom and one closed door, which Itachi assumed was his little brother's bedroom.

"So, this is where I sleep, then?" Itachi asked, gesturing to the bed in the living room.

Sasuke nodded. "There's a bureau in that crook where the fireplace should be."

Itachi nodded and started filling the bureau with the few sets of clothes he'd just bought, and then sat down on the bed. "How do you live?" he asked curiously. "You can't have a job…"

"I get some money from my missions," Sasuke admitted, "and a little help from the Hokage and Kakashi."

"Ah. Well, that was kind of them."

"Hn."

"You know, have you even thought about … you know, reviving the clan?'

"Well, sure. It used to be one of my goals that came right after killing you." Sasuke snorted humourlessly as he grabbed a soda from the fridge and hurled it playfully across the room at Itachi.

For anyone other than a skilled Uchiha prodigy, the catch would have been difficult, but Itachi's hand shot out and snagged the soda can, opening the latch with one swift motion. He took a long sip before saying, "Anyone in mind? Anytime soon?"

"I'm fifteen, dude."

Itachi smirked. "So was I."

.

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**helloEisley: It was a lot of fun pitting personalities like that. I want you to tell me which first meeting you guys like the most! For me, it has to be Kiba's, Hinata's or Sasuke's. Hahaha. Review! **


	3. The Getting Comfortable

**OH MY GOODNESS, FORTY FIVE REVIEWS FOR TWO CHAPTERS, THAT'S AMAZING. Seriously, you guys are all incredible. I also got so many Story Subscriptions, Author Subscriptions and Favourited Story alerts ... THANK YOU.**

**YOU are the best reader-reviewers. KEEP IT UP and I will keep updating!**

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Sasuke brought Itachi to see his car. "What, is this an Audi? You swung an Audi?" Itachi asked in surprise.

"Kakashi."

"Helped?"

"Hn." Sasuke gestured Itachi to the driver's seat. "Usually I give Kakashi a ride. I've got a permit."

"The one you need an adult driver with you, right?"

Sasuke nodded. "Most of the Rookies have permits but not cars. The only others are Shikamaru and Hinata."

"Ah. Hyuuga money."

Sasuke just gave a one-shouldered shrug. He didn't really know for sure whether or not Hiashi Hyuuga had paid for the car, since he knew that Hinata had been disowned long before she got the car.

"So what's the high school like?" Itachi asked in the silence as he drove.

"Turn here."

"Answer my question," Itachi demanded, swerving around a corner.

"It's annoying."

"You mean, your Fangirls, right?" Itachi snickered. Sasuke scowled.

"Hn."

Itachi pulled into a parking space right beside a black Infiniti. He was shocked when Hinata and Sasori got out of it.

"What, that's the Hyuuga's car?" Itachi mumbled to Sasuke. He nodded and headed up to the school as Sasori caught up to Itachi.

"How was playing big brother?" Sasori grumbled.

"Pretty normal. Brings me back to the old days," Itachi said. "How was the girl?"

"… We fight a lot," Sasori admitted.

"Ah. Be glad you didn't get-"

"Cotton-candy-head? Yeah, I know."

As if on cue, Konan and Sakura came walking around the corner, both engulfed in an awkward silence.

Itachi nudged Sasori, smirked and they walked inside the school.

.

.

.

The entire student body was called to the auditorium while the principal spoke.

"We welcome to a new year at Konoha High, with a few new students … ex-Akatsuki-members, and a few foreign exchanges from Water Country who come with orders to study to become specialized field Hunter-nin."

There was scattered applause. Hinata, looking around, didn't miss the several looks of fear about hearing of the Akatsuki.

"Also, might I remind you that this Friday is our Dante's Day?"

"Sounds stupid," Deidara muttered to Itachi under his breath.

"It's mandatory," the principal snapped; he had heard them. "If you don't participate, you receive a suspension where the Hokage assigns you charity work and community service for about … a month or so. Add that to surplus homework."

There were a few groans throughout the audience.

"The legend behind the Dante's Day is quite an old one. There was a girl, named Dante, and a boy named Danzo. The boy, Danzo, was driven with hate and fear and anger. He brought darkness to the whole village."

It was a very common bedtime story in Konoha; Hinata would bet almost every child heard it at least once when they were younger.

"To the villagers, Danzo was a shadow, a figure of terror and danger, but to Dante, he was her love, her light. So she walked the darkness, and it was painful. She was almost killed, but she found Danzo, and confessed her love for him at daybreak on the first Friday of September."

Absolute silence reigned.

"So for Dante's Day, the first Friday of every September, each student is required to give one other student a gift."

"Only one?" A foreign exchange piped up.

"Restricted to one per person, but if you are given more than one gift, it doesn't matter. As long as you only give away one, and to that one person you consider your _light_."

Several eyes were flirtatiously flapping at the two Uchiha brothers, and even at Sasori and Deidara.

"Bring your gift on Friday."

Friday would be the day after tomorrow. Hinata sighed as the bell rang to dismiss them and everyone dispersed to their first period class.

She would give something to Naruto, and hopefully summon the courage to tell him how she felt.

.

.

.

At lunch, Hinata sat at the table with Sakura, Ino, Naruto, Shikamaru, Kiba, Shino, Sasuke and Choji.

"Dante's Day again … last year was so troublesome," Shikamaru groaned.

"Yeah, every single girl gives their hard-worked-on gifts to the stupid bastard," Naruto frowned at Sasuke.

Sasuke smirked.

"Who did _you _give your gift to last year, Sasuke-kun?" Sakura asked curiously.

"To Kakashi," Sasuke shrugged. "He asked for it."

"What was it?"

"A kunai."

"Double-you. Tee. Eff." Ino mouthed. "You can't give anyone a kunai!"

"Well, I wasn't planning on giving anything to a _girl_," Sasuke scoffed.

Sakura and Ino exchanged sobs.

"Dork," a snide voice called. It was one of the girls, Aki. She was a simpering, unbelievably pretty girl who liked to think of Hinata as a bit of a dork.

She tugged on the long sleeve of Hinata's usual black dress. "This dress? So out of fashion. It's so plain and simple. And low-cut."

Hinata blushed. She didn't dare cut it any higher up than above her knee.

"And this," Aki continued, tugging on the see-through white vintage blouse that Hinata liked to wear over top. "Do you buy your clothes at Goodwill? Oh wait … you probably gotta … since you were _disowned_…"

Hinata frowned.

"You're so pathetic, you know that?"

Hinata's mouth tightened and twisted. She noticed that Sasori was starting to stare.

"You're such a dork. And a loser. And your hair … it's so dry and puffy and soft … here, feel mine, dork! It's silky and thick, isn't it?"

It was sort of slimy, in Hinata's opinion.

"Get away from here, weirdo. You don't deserve to sit at the same table as Sasuke-kun." Aki gave Hinata a light shoulder shove, and Hinata staggered off of her seat. Before she left, she twisted her mouth into a small grimace at Sasuke.

"I-I've never even spoken to you and you give me so much trouble," she whispered, soft enough so only he could hear.

Sasuke felt like a fist was twisting his insides as he watched her stumble over to an empty table. Kiba immediately got to his feet and followed her to the table. Soon, so did Shino, Shikamaru and Choji.

The only ones who didn't leave to follow Hinata were Sakura and Ino, because they wanted to stay with their _Sasuke-kun_, and Naruto, because he wanted to be with his 'favourite bastard'.

After school, Sasuke caught Hinata at the door of her black Infiniti.

"Hyuuga."

"It's H-Hinata," Hinata snapped peevishly.

Sasuke had forgotten momentarily she'd been disowned. He knew hearing her family clan's name was hard for her and backtracked.

"Sorry … Hinata, is it? Well, uh, I guess I'm sorry for what happened at lunch…"

Hinata looked up, biting her lip. "I-I took it out of hand," she said, shaking her head. "It was never your f-fault."

Sasuke just gave a nod and hesitated before opening his car door. "And, hey … I like that whole outfit thing. It's … pretty neat."

Hinata paused, shocked, and then the widest, brightest smile broke out over her face. Her eyes seemed to be shining at him, and Sasuke turned away awkwardly and disappeared into the car.

His words played repetitively through Hinata's head as she drove home. She couldn't help the blush that crept over her face every time she heard his compliment in her mind over and over.

She didn't realize that she had left Sasori at school.

.

.

.

The Akatsuki actually had had a great first day at school. They had become tremendously popular seniors, who everyone was awed and slightly intimidated by, but their every move was watched as though they were gods in their own way.

Sasori caught a ride with Itachi and Sasuke home since Hinata had forgotten about him. He was going to give that girl a piece of his mind when he got back…

He thanked Itachi as he shut the door and ran inside of Hinata's place. He made sure to walk extra loudly as he pounded on Hinata's bedroom door.

"HINATA."  
She swung it open slowly, gently, surprising him. The slight amount of eyeliner she wore was dragging down from her eyes in a not-so-pretty picture, but since her face was flustered and the bridge of her nose was wet and her eyes were rimmed with faint redness, he assumed she'd been crying.

"What happened? You … left me at school," he said, softer.

"N-Nothing happened. I was just thinking about things."

Sasori shook his head and walked back into his bedroom, which he had now personalized with his puppetry tools all over the floor, his incomplete puppet models everywhere and designs and plans.

He lay on the bed, thinking. He listened until he heard Hinata give a soft sob and her faint footsteps receding into the bathroom. He listened until the door clicked shut.

He moved quickly. Sasori bounded into her room and grabbed the first thing he saw – a box on her bed.

It was a shoebox, tattered and old. It looked as though it had been punched and kicked many times. He brought it back to his bedroom and started sifting through the stuff.

They were Post-it notes. Torn notebook sheets. Scraps. Whatever they were, they all contained the same things.

Insults. Most of them read 'Dork' and 'Loser' and 'Weirdo', but some of them were long paragraphs. They were all in Hinata's handwriting, and he realized this box held all of Aki's words.

He understood now why the box was so beat up.

"Sasori!" Hinata screamed from the doorway, her voice strangled. "That's my – my private – don't – please – h-how could you –"

"How _could _I?" Sasori said, standing up incredulously. "Hinata, what is this?"

He held up a fistful of the notes and dropped it back into the box. "This is pathetic!"

"I-I know I am!" Hinata cried, stomping her foot. "I'm pathetic and w-weak and scared and I'll never be good enough f-for anybody! Just stop, o-okay?"

She stomped out of his bedroom and back to her room, slamming the door and he heard her fall onto her mattress with a sob. She had never lost control like that before; it just wasn't _her_. She didn't know why hearing that this boy thought she was so pathetic angered her so much.

She was normally gentle, quiet, stuttering, and never able to stand up for herself … but she thought that maybe, just maybe, the boy next door had a chance of changing that.

Hinata wiped her eyes and collapsed further into the pillows, her eyes refusing to cry any more tears for once in her life.

Sasori spent that night leafing through and reading each and every Post-it note.

.

.

.

Ino ran into Hidan's room.

"Come on!" She grabbed his wrist and started dragging him downstairs.

"What the fuck is going on?"

"You are the most foul-mouthed, dirty-"

"Cut the crap. Where are we going?" Hidan frowned.

"My dad's letting us take his car! We have to get to the mall!"

Hidan's frown deepened. "…The mall? Agh…"

"Dante's Day is the day after tomorrow!" Ino whined. "We have to go buy Sasuke-kun something … and who are you giving your gift to?"

Hidan shrugged. "Who _should _I give it to?" He asked nonchalantly.

"Who do you like?" Ino purred, turning her face up to him with a very uncomfortable stare. He furrowed his brow and frowned.

"Stop that. It makes me uncomfortable."

"It's _working_," Ino sneered. "Now tell me who you like!"

"… What, we can't give these gifts to guys?"

Ino gasped loudly and lowered her voice. "You didn't tell me you … were _gay_," she whispered.

Hidan stomped on the brake in surprise, and then jerked the accelerator again irritably. "Fu – no, I'm not gay! I meant, _friends! _You know … of the same sex?"

Ino relaxed in her seat. "Oh, oh, yeah. That's allowed. Sasuke-kun gave his gift to his sensei last year and that bug boy gave his gift to the dog boy, I think … and Shikamaru and Choji gave their gifts to each other …"

Hidan sighed in relief. "Good. Is this the mall?"

Ino nodded. "Pull in here." The two of them walked into the enormous plaza and started to browse. "What do you think Sasuke-kun will like?"

"… I'm sorry, who the hell is _Sassy-kay-kun?" _Hidan said, ruffling his brow.

"Itachi's brother!" Ino shouted.

"O-Oh … him? Really, you're going to give him a gift? All the freaking girls are!"

"I know, but he totally wants me," Ino said smugly.

"Dream on."

Ino elbowed him in the ribs and bent over a blue sweater. "Hm … ooh golly, that's expensive. Huh, let's try this store, okay?"

Still rather winded, Hidan wheezed an affirmative reply and followed her breathlessly to the next store.

.

.

.

Deidara and Naruto walked home.

"So, which one of those girls at your lunch table was yours?" Deidara smirked.

"None."

"No girlfriend? Really?" Deidara sniggered. "I had about three hanging off my arm before I joined the Akatsuki."

"I don't know … I like Sakura … but she likes Sasuke …"

Deidara sighed. "We'll just get you another girl."

The loud blond boy dragged his loud blond roommate off route and intersected the path of an average-looking golden-haired girl.

"Look at this, she's like a Goldilocks," Deidara commented. "Hi there, sexy."

She looked up at Deidara with a confused look. "Are you a pedophile?"

"Wha – oh, no! NO! This is my … my little brother, Naruto … uh, he, he thought you were sexy! Not me."

The girl swung a hip and winked at Naruto. "Well, hi there."

Deidara smirked. "Thank me later, Narutard."

"For what?" Naruto said, whispering too loudly. "Look at her hair."

"What's wrong with my hair?" The girl cried, clenching fists in her golden locks.

"You mean how they're stringy …?" Deidara said uncertainly.

The girl started to frown.

"You think my hair is stringy?" she screamed.

"Get in there and fight for your dignity!" Deidara snapped, nudging Naruto. "I'm not saving your sorry ass."

Naruto growled at Deidara and whipped around to the girl. "No! It's great … your hair is so … beautiful … like hand-pulled ramen noodles … fresh and soaked …"

"Ew!" the girl squealed.

"No! I'm serious!" Naruto yelled desperately. "It's so touchable … I mean, it looks like it'd feel so … smooth …?"

Naruto reached forward to spontaneously try and touch a strand of her hair.

The girl leapt backwards and shrieked, "Don't touch me, you creep!"

Naruto frowned as she ran away crying.

"Don't worry," Deidara said, slinging an arm around Naruto. "You couldn't count the times I've been given that line, yeah."

"Aw, man!"

"Hahaha yeah, I know, that was pathetic," Deidara laughed. "You're worse at picking up chicks than Orochimaru was when we took him to that nightclub."

.

.

.

"_Where are we, exactly?" Orochimaru asked._

_"For the thousandth time, it's called a nightclub," Sasori grunted._

_"And what are we doing here?"_

_"We're picking up chicks." Sasori pushed his way up to where Itachi was, leaving Deidara and Nagato with Orochimaru._

_"Okay … but why? Are we planning to do something with them?"_

_Nagato threw his hands up in the air in exasperation. "Are you #$%ing joking me?"_

_Deidara sighed. "Yes. Yes we are, Orochimaru," he said sarcastically. "We're __**doing stuff **__with them."_

_"Oh … well, alright then …" _

_Orochimaru sauntered into the club and looked around, taking in the brightness of the flashing lights, the roar of the crowd and the volume of the cranked music. _

_"What is this place?"_

_Sasori groaned. "It's a #$%ing nightclub, get it through your #$%ing head!"_

_"You're starting to sound like Hidan," Orochimaru frowned reproachfully. "I get it, it's a nightclub. Now, what are we doing here?"_

_Sasori cursed again and disappeared into the crowd._

_"Was it something I said?" Orochimaru asked._

_"…" Nagato looked at Deidara._

_Deidara sighed again. "… No, he's just drunk or something, how should I know? It was nothing you said."_

_"Okay." Orochimaru stood awkwardly at the edge of the crowd, stiff and uncertain. "Now what? Should I get us some drinks?"_

_"That would be a start," Nagato said through his teeth. _

_Orochimaru returned later carrying two aqueous martinis._

_"What is this?" Nagato growled, picking at the olive. "A dinner party? Go get us some hard liquor, dude!"_

_Orochimaru frowned. "Wha…"_

_Nagato threw the martinis to the ground and stomped over to the bar._

_"Was it something I-?"_

_"NO," Deidara said exasperatedly. "No, okay? No. It's never going to be something you did or said. Just drop it. Drop everything. Just … just go sit at the bar and talk to a girl."_

_"…" Orochimaru did as he was told, sliding into a seat at the bar. Seconds later, a provocatively-dressed girl took the seat next to him and started to chat flirtatiously._

_"Score," Deidara muttered, moving closer to try and eavesdrop on their conversation._

_"Come here often?" The girl purred, running her tongue along her lower lip. _

_"…Actually, no. This would be the first time I've ever been to a place like this," Orochimaru said distantly, turning away._

_Deidara started to panic. No! What! He was mouthing alerts to Orochimaru behind the girl's back, making wide arm motions and frantic gestures. _

_Orochimaru just ignored him as the girl tried to get his attention again._

_"Can I interest you in anything I've got?" She started to run her hands down her body, and Orochimaru stared._

_"Oh, are you selling stuff?"_

_"Well sure, honey, I'm selling me."_

_Orochimaru cocked an eyebrow. "… What's your price?"_

_"… Whatever you want it to be," she said huskily._

_"That's a relief, because I've only got thirty cents with me but I'm sure that's more than enough, right? Well, I figured I should have brought more money and all …" Orochimaru started rambling nonstop. _

_The girl sighed and scratched her chin. "Do you want a cigarette?"_

_"Oh … I don't smoke."_

_The girl shrugged and pulled a cigarette from her tight breast pocket, causing a condom to fall out. "Oops." She giggled, insinuating she had done that on purpose._

_"Looks like you dropped something," Orochimaru said, picking it up and handing it to her. "Hey, this is-"_

_"Yeah, it's a condom," the girl confirmed._

_Silence._

_"…I'm sorry, a what?"_

_"A condom?"_

_"… Neat." Orochimaru practically threw it back at her. "Uh … so … how do you feel about snakes?"_

_"Ooh, that's dirty," she giggled._

_"Not really, now, their slimy skin usually keeps off the dirt."_

_"Slimy? … Oh, are you wet already?"_

_"… I believe I'm dry, aren't I?"_

_Deidara face-palmed himself and decided to step in. "Sorry, my friend here just has a weird way of suggesting things, yeah … but he really just wants to pound you so hard until the walls crumble, crush you like a bug until you scream for mercy, un."_

_The girl giggled and flushed and grabbed Orochimaru, leading him into a private room._

_"Thank me later, yeah," Deidara nudged Orochimaru, who still looked confused._

_About ten minutes later, Orochimaru auspiciously closed the door of the private room and was about to walk away from it when Sasori caught his elbow. _

_"Love 'em and leave 'em, eh?" Sasori smirked. "Nice."_

_Orochimaru gave him a confused look. "What are you talking about?"_

_"Where's your girl?"_

_"… She's dead."_

_Sasori dropped a sweat. "…What."_

_"Well, Deidara told me to pound her hard and crush her like a bug until she screams for mercy …"_

.

.

.

Itachi leaned back on the sofa. "So, which girl is yours?"

"None of them," Sasuke snapped.

"… Okay … which one do you _want _to be yours?" Itachi rephrased.

"… None of them."

"Mm … you do realize you could have any of those girls with a blink of your eye, right?"

Sasuke nodded in annoyance. "Hn."

"Here's a wild and crazy idea – just give one of them a gift for Dante's Day."

"Never in a million _years_," Sasuke grunted. "That would set them off like crazy."

"… Come on, cotton-candy-head didn't seem so bad," Itachi suggested.

"Sakura?"

"Oh, that's her name? That's nice … why don't you take her out?"

Sasuke made a face. "Who do you think you are, my new brain? No way."

"Why not?"

"She's annoying."

"Because she's into you," Itachi reasoned. "I can see why, too. It's just something we Uchihas got."

Sasuke smirked. "She's nothing different than all of those other girls."

"Even Sasori's girl? The one with the black Infiniti that parked beside us today?" Itachi asked carefully.

"Che. She likes the dobe."

"Why?"

"#$% if I know."

"You sound like Hidan when you swear. It's just so foul and bitter," Itachi laughed. "Well, then there's your answer. Give Sasori's girl your gift."

"No way in hell."

"Why? Do you like her?" Itachi teased.

"Are you kidding? She spoke her first words to me _today_."

"And whose fault is that?" Itachi said. "Maybe if you weren't such an unapproachable mass of heartlessness and ice…"

"Save it," Sasuke sighed. "I'm going out."

"Where to?"

"I don't know. I guess I'll go buy another kunai for Kakashi."

"Agh, that's gay."

"You're gay." Sasuke grabbed his jacket off the chair.

"Oh, that's cute."

"You're cute." Sasuke face-palmed himself. "Shit. I walked straight into that one."

"… Now who's gay?"

"Still you, Itachi." Sasuke closed the door behind him.

"I am going to get him a girl if it's the last thing I do." He picked up the phone and called Sasori.

Operation Missing-nin Matchmaker was now in session.

.

.

.

**You know what I want ... leave me a review? **


	4. The Web Chats

Sasori sighed and knocked on Hinata's bedroom door.

"Hinata?"

Hinata came to the door and opened it. "Come to r-return my pathetic box?" Hinata said bitterly.

"I didn't mean to call you pathetic," Sasori sighed, leaning his head back. "I meant the fact that you take all of that crap is pathetic."

"W-What is it you want, S-Sasori?"

"I need to use your PC."

Hinata only nodded and opened the door wider. Sasori walked into the room. The walls were painted dark green; the furniture was a light birch wood and in the corner, on her desk, was a PC.

Sasori sat in her desk while she continued to fold her laundry on her bed.

He logged onto Instant Messaging.

_**Sharingan **__has started a conversation with you _

Sasori clicked on the pop-up.

**Sharingan: **Yo

_**Scorpion **__has joined the conversation _

**Scorpion: **Hey Itachi.

_**Sharkman **__has joined the conversation_

_**Pein **__has joined the conversation_

_**Kuzu **__has joined the conversation_

**Sharingan: **Nagato, call Konan and get her on here.

**Pein: **K, give me a minute.

_**Hidan **__has joined the conversation_

_**DD **__has joined the conversation_

**Hidan: **duckers in the hizzy!

**Scorpion: **duckers?

**Hidan: **shit. Shut up Sasori. My iPhone has an AutoCorrect thing.

**Scorpion: **hah.

**Hidan: **I said shut the FUCK UP!

**Scorpion: **what happened to AutoCorrect?

**Hidan: **… it goes away if I delete a few letters and try again.

**Scorpion: **HAH.

**DD: **Hey.

**Sharingan: **Hey Deidara.

**Hidan: **What the fuck is up with that crappy screen name, Deidara? It looks like a goddamn bra size.

**Deidara: **Screw you.

**Hidan: **Good, you fucking changed it.

**Sharingan: **Nagato how long does it take to make a six second phone call that should just say "Hello, go on IM, bye"?

**Pein: **GIVE ME A MINUTE

**Hidan: **Don't fucking use caps because it screws shit up alright?

**Sharkman: **What kind of shit?

**Hidan: **The voice in my head that reads every fucking thing you guys say on here shit, Kisame.

**Sharkman: **Shino is reading over my shoulder. Stop cursing.

**Sharkman: **I don't mind.

**Sharkman: **That was Shino.

_**KONAN **__has joined the conversation_

**KONAN: **Why does it look like so far it's just Kisame talking to himself? Sharkman: Sharkman: Sharkman:

**Sharingan: **That took long enough, Konan.

**Scorpion: **You get used to disappointment from Konan, Itachi. It's not her fault she's running some sort of phone sex business.

**Pein: **WTH.

**Sharingan: **watch it, Sasori.

**Scorpion: **Whatever. I can so take Nagato.

**Pein: **Oh, you wanna go?

**KONAN: **Why are we all here?

**Kuzu: **Oh, hey Konan. I go to get some peanut butter from Shikamaru's fridge and I come back here and I find you online. What a nice surprise.

**Pein: **… You're weird.

**Kuzu: **:'(

**Deidara: **yeah Kakuzu, just … I don't know, call Zetsu or something. Get him on.

**Kuzu: **Can't, dog boy doesn't have a computer. Or Wi-Fi

**Scorpion: **That's lame.

**Kuzu: **… I know, right?

**Sharingan:** Seriously, you both sound gay.

**Scorpion: **You're gay.

**Sharingan: **That's cute.

**Scorpion: **Not gonna work on me.

**Sharingan: **Heh. Worked on Sasuke.

**Deidara: **are we here to just talk about Sasuke?

**Sharingan: **Yep.

**Hidan: **FUCK Ino's parents just found my Hustler stash.

**Sharkman: **Eeewwww…

**Pein: **Kisame you're not a little boy anymore.

**Kuzu: **Hahaha PEINIS.

**Pein: **Yeah, I call it a PEINIS. Because it's so fricken huge I imagine it hurts.

**Scorpion: **Oh, please.

**KONAN: **So we need to get Sasuke a girl?

**Scorpion: **Yeah Itachi, what was that phone call all about?

**Sharingan: **my new plan. Operation Missing-nin Matchmaker.

**Kuzu: **Ooh, alliteration.

**Hidan: **Kakuzu, no one the fuck cares or even knows what you just said.

**Kuzu: **Shikamaru does.

**Shikaman: **Yeah, I do.

**Sharingan: **Shikamaru?

**KONAN: **INTRUDER ALERT!

**Kuzu: **SHIKAMARU?

**Hidan: **All these fucking caps! Gah!

**Sharkman: **How did you get in without that whole _**Shikaman **__has joined the conversation _thing?

**Shikaman: **I'm an accomplished hacker. I'm in Advanced Comm Tech this semester.

**Pein: **what are they teaching kids these days …?

**Hina:** Linguistics and algebra.

**Scorpion: **HINATA?

.

Sasori swivelled around from the PC to see Hinata smiling up at him from her laptop.

"Hm. You have a laptop."

"Yes … I-I was given the money that was supposed t-to be my inheritance when I was disowned … I think the Elders f-felt sorry for me."

"Where are you putting all this money, then? You're obviously not using it on me," Sasori pouted.

Hinata rolled her eyes. "O-Oh, I don't know, Sasori, I have other things besides you … food, plumbing, electricity?"

.

** Sharingan: **Sasori, you let her on?

**Scorpion: **Swear I didn't.

**Hina: **Shikamaru got me on.

**Shikaman: **Heh.

**Kuzu: **This isn't good … if only we had Zetsu and his espionage skills right now to figure out what to do.

**Sharkman: **Didn't you already say Zetsu's dog family doesn't have a computer?

**KONAN: **I imagine the dogs would probably eat it.

**Pein: **Silly Konan, the only things that can eat computers are the tailed beasts.

**KONAN: **because getting involved with the tailed beasts has worked out so well for us.

**Sharingan: **Yeah, I agree, let's just get back to my brother.

**Shikaman: **Oh, so we're talking about Sasuke?

**Hina: **Shikamaru, maybe we should leave…

**Deidara: **Yes, please.

**Shikaman: **It doesn't matter if Hinata leaves, because I'm not gonna.

**Kuzu: **LEAVE OR I'M TELLING YOUR DAD YOU PUNCHED A GIRL TODAY.

**Scorpion: **… I am so glad I didn't end up choosing him now.

**Hidan: **Kakuzu! What did I say about caps! If you want to make it seem like you're yelling, use lots of punctuation!

**Scorpion: **Oh,,,,,,, yeah ….. I''''''m so yelling now,,, huh,,, Hidan?

**Hidan: **Just shut the fuck up Sasori

**Scorpion: **Hah. Win.

**Sharingan: **There's an easier way around this, guys … let's just ignore Shikamaru and Hinata.

**Scorpion: **Hinata already left. She went to take out the trash.

**Sharingan: **She's a good girl.

**Shikaman: **I'm not going to get off just because you'll call me a good boy, Itachi.

**KONAN: **Should we abort?

**Hidan: **What the fuck we aren't even pregnant.

**Pein: **You're so dumb it's almost funny, Hidan. But it's not.

**Hidan: **Thanks for that, butthead.

**Pein: **The only thing funny about you is your face.

**Deidara: **Hah. That was funny.

**Sharingan: **I think Hidan gets it.

**Shikaman: **Shit, Kakuzu!

**Kuzu: **Haha, he left. I told his dad he impregnated a girl.

**Sharingan: **thanks.

**Kuzu: **Hidan and Konan just gave me that idea.

**Hidan: **No one's fucking going to believe he impregnated a girl. What is he, fifteen?

**Scorpion: **shit happens.

**Kuzu: **thank you, Sasori.

**Scorpion: **anytime.

**Deidara: **Wait Itachi, you said you think Sasuke would be ok with cotton-candy-head?

**KONAN: **Her name is Sakura.

**Deidara: **who cares.

**Pein: **ouch.

**Sharingan: **yeah, I was thinking about it, why? Her, or maybe that buns girl. Or the girl with the fan. Or the Hyuuga.

**Scorpion: **EX-Hyuuga.

**Hidan: **I noticed you didn't say Ino. Good for you.

**Deidara: **well, Naruto here likes cotton-candy-head and he doesn't want to give her up to Sasuke.

**Hidan: **So? I don't see why this is a fucking problem, we can just ignore the dumb shit.

**Deidara: **I told him the story of Orochimaru at the nightclub.

**Scorpion: **Man that was one fucked up night.

**Hidan: **No kidding.

**Sharingan: **Why did you tell him that story? It's degrading.

**Scorpion: **Yeah.

**Deidara: **because he's pretty horrible at picking up chicks, too.

**Sharingan: **then why should I worry about him and cotton-candy-head?

**Pein: **Ancient saying: if you ignore something long enough…

**KONAN: **… it stops bothering you.

**Kuzu: **Aw, you guys complete each other.

**Scorpion: **Just like Orochimaru's been ignoring his genital herpes for the past eight years, and I bet they still bother him.

**Deidara: **LOL!

**Pein: **Hahaha Sasori…

**Sharingan: **How do you know he has genital herpes?

**Scorpion: **I found him trying to sell some of the cheap treatment on eBay. Screen name OrochimaruSnakeMaster22.

**KONAN: **That's just gross.

**Sharingan: **… Okay, so we gotta get rid of Naruto. Sasori, that's your job.

**Scorpion: **What? What am I supposed to do?

**Deidara: **You just have to make him unattractive to cotton-candy-head.

**Scorpion: **How the hell do I do that?

**Hidan: **You can't fucking make attractive people unattractive, look at me and the battle against age. It's freaking inevitable that my face stays sexy shit.

**Kuzu: **…Okay, that was almost incomprehensible.

**Hidan: **You're fucking incomprehensible.

**KONAN: **Sakura cares a lot about her reputation. She wouldn't be interested in Naruto if he was really socially degrading.

**Scorpion: **I'm not going to humiliate a fellow man in public. That's low.

**Pein: **I think that ship sailed with the Orochimaru herpes bomb.

**Sharingan: **I agree with Nagato.

**Scorpion: **fine. How hard can it be? Just, turn a perfectly normal boy into a village idiot who is seen as demeaning and undignified in every conceivable way … like Kakuzu.

**Scorpion: **No offense, Kakuzu.

**Kuzu: **…Too late,

**Scorpion: **Yeah, sorry.

**Kuzu: **No, you're not.

**Scorpion: **No, I am not.

**Sharingan: **I also need to get rid of that freaky blond girl.

**Hidan: **Ino … I can take care of that … she fucking ratted my porn out.

**Sharkman: **That's still gross…

**KONAN: **Only now do I feel the full weight of being the only female Akatsuki member.

**Pein: **Sorry. If I'd known it would be uncomfortable for you, I'd have gotten a few more girls.

**Sharingan: **Nah, girls aren't really strong … or competent …

**Pein: **yeah, that's true. Maybe a transvestite.

**KONAN: **… forget I said anything.

**Deidara: **easier said than done.

**Sharingan: **I don't need Ino killed, Hidan. I just need her preoccupied.

**Sharkman: **What about the hacker?

**Kuzu: **Shikamaru?

**Scorpion: **Yeah, him.

**Deidara: **You mean … hook them up?

**Pein: **I thought this was only supposed to be hooking up ONE guy and ONE girl. That being Sasuke.

**Sharingan: **… If this is what it takes, I gotta try. Kisame?

**Sharkman: **Yeah, I can do it. Call me cupid.

**KONAN: **No, thanks.

**Deidara: **Well … now we've got this all figured out.

**Sharingan: **Sure do.

**Pein: **YO SASORI! I just found Orochimaru on eBay! HAH! What if … what if as a joke … I bid for his stuff … Hahaha … I'm totally gonna!

.

.

.

The next morning was Dante's Day. All of the girls were equally disappointed that the Akatsuki members only exchanged gifts with each other, so they showered their favourites with their own gifts.

Itachi was surrounded by a seemingly endless crowd of girls; Sasori and Kakuzu and Nagato and Deidara were packed in tightly, KONAN and Kisame were nowhere to be seen and Zetsu was keeping his distance, eyeing the crazed girls hungrily.

.

.

.

Kisame looked on as Shikamaru and Choji and Ino sat down at lunch.

He'd promised Itachi that he would try and get Ino to hook up with the lazy-ass so that she'd get her paws off Sasuke for the cotton-candy-head.

_I really need to get rid of that fatty_, Kisame cursed from his hiding-spot. _But how? … I'll just go for the direct approach._

He walked straight up to them and took a seat in between Choji and Shikamaru. "Hey there, guys," he drawled, in what he hoped was an appropriate schoolboy tone.

"Hey," Shikamaru said, not caring.

Choji swallowed noisily.

"So, uh …" _Kami, dammit, I really got to get the fat one out of here_. Kisame, struck with a thought, suddenly seized the bag of chips and shoved it down Ino's low-cut top. It was the first thing that his hand jumped into.

"EW! GROSS! YOU PERVERT!" Ino shrieked.

"My hand slipped," Kisame said, closing his eyes nonchalantly.

"There are crumbs … all in my bra!" Ino whined.

"Go get a new bag of chips," Kisame ordered to Choji.

"Nah, I'm pretty full…"

Kisame touched the blade of his sword. "For _me_."

Choji gulped and ran off.

"Now … lazy one … help her pick all of these crumbs out of her shirt like a gentleman," Kisame demanded of Shikamaru as Ino fumbled.

"You mean like a pervert? No freaking way," Shikamaru droned.

"JUST DO IT!" Pissed off, Kisame grabbed Shikamaru's wrist and yanked it so hard that Shikamaru's whole body was thrown with the force towards Ino.

"Agh, my hand actually touched her skin," Shikamaru groaned.

"Now my chest is all greasy," Ino pouted.

"Take the goddamn hint, boy, she's hitting you up," Kisame muttered into Shikamaru's ear.

Shikamaru glared. "I don't care."

"She just told you her chest is wet. God, that's hot, huh?" Kisame had to choke down a bit of his lunch coming up.

Shikamaru made a face. "Yeah, wet with grease … that makes it about as hot as touching a girl who just got off working the kitchen shift at a fast-food place…"

"Don't be a pessimist," Kisame growled. "Maybe if you tried, she'd be your girlfriend already."

"I don't want a girlfriend," Shikamaru sighed. "They're so troublesome."

Kisame dropped a sweat. "Eh … she really does look like she's having a hard time…"

Shikamaru groaned. "Fine. What a drag." He offered Ino some help, but she kicked his knee in and called him a pervert.

Kisame walked away as Choji returned, asking what had happened. There was awkwardness between Shikamaru and Ino, and neither of them would so much as look at each other again for the entire afternoon.

Kisame groaned. Mission failed. _Sorry, Itachi._

.

.

.

Sasori was ditching class. He was spying on Sakura's classroom.

He was supposed to be trying to get her to say goodbye to Naruto. Once and for all.

_Kami, _he thought, _this is the last time I do a favour for Itachi_.

Now it was Sasori's job to boot Naruto out of the picture for good.

Sasori sighed. He would have to do something to humiliate the poor blond boy in front of the whole class in order to get Sakura to really stay away from him … but what?

_Let's start with this_, he thought. He took his newest creation from his pocket – a puppet that was the size of a candy sweet.

Sasori manoeuvred the mini puppet with quick hands, fingers moving so fast they were a blur. The puppet climbed up Naruto's chair suspiciously and dropped a sheet of paper on Naruto's desk.

Sasori pulled back the puppet, satisfied, as he watched Naruto read the sheet. It was scripture – sleep-inducing seals much like the ones used in the Earth and Heaven scrolls at the Chunin exams … but Sasori had had the genjutsu behind it modified.

Naruto was probably dreaming about Sakura right now …

Perfect timing. The teacher, a hideously obese woman, came sauntering past, tapping Naruto's desk to ask him to read aloud for the class.

"Naruto? Naruto!" The teacher's eyes narrowed. "What is this? Is your phone vibrating in your pocket?"

She grabbed whatever she had seen moving in his pants – and it wasn't his phone.

It was all natural, Sasori smirked. The woman's eyes widened and she jumped away.

"Agh!" she shrieked. "It's an ERECTION!"

Naruto woke up, his head snapping up and immediately flushing red as he realized all eyes were on him. "E-Eh, what …? S-Sakura?" he mumbled, looking down. His face was as red as a tomato.

"Eh! Sensei! I … I …"

"NARUTO, WHY WERE YOU … WHY?" The woman screamed, tears in her eyes.

"I don't know!" Naruto shouted, eyes wide. "T-The last thing I remember is looking across the room at S-Sasuke-bastard, and then I fell asleep …"

The class laughed. Sasuke groaned. Sasori thought he might wet himself. The mission was coming along on its own.

"Naruto," the teacher whispered, "are you GAY?"

Oh, yes. The humiliation was sure-fire.

The class laughed harder. Naruto jumped on his chair and looked down his nose at the teacher.

"I'm not GAY! If I was GAY I would have gotten that erection from you because you look so much like a MAN!"

Sasori's jaw dropped. He had crossed the line, on his own.

The teacher grabbed his collar and yanked him down. "DETENTION FOR YOU! And wait until the whole entire school board knows … Naruto Uzumaki is GAY," she sneered.

"LIAR," Naruto screamed, jumping up and down in frustration. "You're a SHE-MAN! You're UGLY! ADMIT IT! You only teach six classes because YOU'RE IN A SEX-LESS MARRIAGE!"

"Oh, no such sex life could compete with that of yours and Sasuke's," the teacher said back.

Sasuke Uchiha clenched his hand in a fist and jumped to his feet. "Take that back!"

"Naruto and Sasuke, sitting in a car … are they naked, yes they are!" The teacher sang.

_This has backfired in so many ways, _Sasori mused, watching the teacher tease the two boys about their sexuality.

"You're a fat, ugly manwhore," Sasuke snarled.

The teacher gasped. "Oh, take _that _back!"

"You're ugly!" Naruto sang, on top of the desk. "You UGLY! You UGLY! U … G … L … Y … You ain't got no alibi! You straight-up UGLY!"

The class hooted and wolf-whistled their agreement. The teacher was fuming.

"You!" she said to Sasuke. "You're going straight into detention! Sit back down! Naruto! Go to the Principal's office, that man can deal with you!"

"I'd rather have him deal with me, because you're more of a man than he is."

The class were practically cheering as Naruto walked his walk-of-fame out into the hall.

Sasori sighed. Mission failed. _Sorry, Itachi._

.

.

.

Hinata found Sakura, Sasuke and Naruto sitting around a tree outside. Sakura and Naruto were practically throwing death threats at the circle of girls who hovered nearby.

"Let's just go," Hinata heard Sakura murmur. "I know a more private place."

The boys followed Sakura, and so did Hinata – at a distance. She concealed her chakra and made sure not to make a sound as she did. With her Byakugan, though, she had no worries about losing them.

They were in a crook of the forest. Hinata watched Sakura give Sasuke a necklace with a silver chain and a sakura blossom pendant. It was then that she decided to step out into the open.

Sakura blushed and looked at Hinata as her chakra presence became known. "H-Hinata-chan … hi! Um … I'll leave."

Sakura knew that Hinata liked Naruto. And she also knew that Naruto liked herself. She didn't want to stick around for Hinata's embarrassment and her own.

Hinata nodded gratefully and walked up to Naruto. "N-Naruto-kun, I-I needed to tell you something … I-I-I really – really l-l-like …"

"-me?" Naruto finished, surprised. "_You _like _me_? Hinata-chan, you're cute and all, but Sakura-chan is the only one for me! I'm in love with her!" he announced boldly. "Sorry, but I gotta catch up to her. Maybe we can hang out later though…!"

Naruto raced off into the direction Sakura had left in. Hinata closed her eyes and sighed, leaning against the trunk of the tree and sinking to the ground.

"Don't cry over the dobe."

Hinata looked up, startled. It was Sasuke; she realized with a start that he'd never agreed to leave them alone during her confession. "S-S-Sorry, Uchiha-s-san…"

"Don't apologize to me, either," Sasuke snapped. "You're-"

He was about to say _pathetic_. But suddenly a memory surfaced at the back of his mind – Aki and her bullying words. Sasuke stopped himself just in time. "You're – not the kind of girl who deserves Naruto," he corrected.

Hinata attempted a weak smile. "A-Arigato, Uchiha-san …" Hinata reached into her pocket and pulled out the white box with the white ribbon. "U-Uchiha-san, I-I … want you to t-take my D-Dante's gift."

She handed him the white box and he hesitated before taking it. He knew he should feel insulted that he was her 'second', but he couldn't help feeling different. It definitely wasn't like when the other girls thrust their own gift boxes on him.

Sasuke lifted the lid to see a necklace with a black leather rope and a tiny shuriken pendant. The shuriken reminded him of his childhood, when he would ask Itachi to help him with his technique. He decided he'd wear this necklace, and fastened it around his neck. In his pocket, the sakura blossom chain jingled sadly.

.

.

.

**I love how Nagato wanted to buy Orochimaru's stuff on eBay. I was just visualizing that and started grinning like an idiot. **

**PS. You can picture Nagato however you want. But I still see him as Deva Pain. I just like calling him by his name. (Deva Pain is the one with spiky orange hair and piercings everywhere … Yeah …)**

**DISCLAIMER: I don't own eBay or any account that might on the off-chance have the username OrochimaruSnakeMaster22. It was just a made-up name. But I'm sure you all know that.**


	5. The Narrowing Down

Sasuke stared down at the shuriken pendant. It was the only Dante's necklace he'd complied with wearing. All the others had been girly, heavy or embarrassing.

The shuriken had been honed to the finest detail. It looked almost usable. Sasuke wondered if Sasori had helped her with it; Itachi had told him the redheaded teen liked to make puppets. He would be good with his hands, naturally.

"Are you ready to go?" Kakashi asked, cocking his Leaf forehead protector.

Sasuke, Naruto and Sakura nodded in unison and followed their sensei out of the village gates.

.

.

.

Deidara pounded on Shikamaru's door.

"Oh, it's you … how troublesome," Shikamaru groaned as he opened it. "What do you want?"

"Where's Kakuzu?"

"Still sleeping. Why?"

"Crap. Never mind. Nice seeing you." Deidara ran off.

Shikamaru groaned again and shut the door. Deidara knocked on Choji's door nearby.

"…" Choji's mother opened the door.

"Is Nagato awake?" Deidara panted.

"I'll see." She disappeared and returned later with Nagato at her heels. "-and asked for you. Here he is."

"Deidara?" Nagato scratched the back of his head.

"Itachi needs us! Let's go!" Deidara seized Nagato's wrist and dragged him to the flower shop.

_Ring! _As soon as the shop door bell went off, a thin blonde with blue eyes came running into the store. "Hello, Yamanaka Flower Shop, how can I help – oh, it's you guys."

"Where's Hidan?" Deidara asked breathlessly.

"HIDAN!" Nagato shouted.

"Shut _up_!" Ino screeched. "My parents are still asleep!"

But in less than four seconds, Hidan came stumbling down. "Who the fuck was that, broke my eardrums, I can hardly hear anything out of my left ear, this is fucking bunk, who the hell is responsible – oh, it's you guys."

"Exactly what I said," Ino said dryly. "Now leave. I have to open up the shop."

They obliged, heading over to the Haruno's place. Konan answered the door, to their surprise.

"Why're you awake?" Nagato asked curiously. Deidara and Hidan looked from one to the other; they had always known there was some strong bond between Konan and Nagato and even assumed it might be stronger feelings than friendship and dependability … maybe even love?

After all, Konan and Nagato had exchanged gifts for Dante's Day yesterday. As far as Hidan knew, their gifts had consisted of personal items, even going so far as to wring a tear out of Konan.

"Sakura's an early riser and a hell of a loudmouth," Konan moaned.

Faintly, they could hear giggling from upstairs as Sakura chatted animatedly with a pal over the telephone.

"Well, we're stealing you," Nagato proclaimed, grabbing her hand and shutting the door behind them. Konan blushed slightly, confirming Hidan's theory.

"Why?"

"Deidara said Itachi needs us."

"…"

They ran a few doors over to Shino's house and knocked at the door. Immediately, amassed bugs threatened to stream the streets, but Shino's chakra will forced them back.

"What can I do for you?" he asked in monotone, hands in the pockets of his large overcoat.

"We need Kisame," Hidan said. "And if he isn't awake, kick him in the fucking gut and tell him we need him now, for some hell of a reason Deidara won't tell us about."

"Hey, _I _don't even know, yeah," Deidara mumbled.

"Kisame," Shino said, raising his voice just a bit.

"What?" came a distant shout from within the locked room.

"Your friends are here."

"Send them around … please," Kisame groaned.

"Why the fuck do we have to go around? Go around what? That bastard is too lazy to come out and face us? No way in hell am I going to _him_, that's just horse shit."

"Calm down," Konan admonished.

"Use the window on the left of the house," Shino ordered, and shut the door.

Deidara led the way, and they found Kisame's window.

"Why can't you come out, dude?" Nagato whispered into the open windowpane.

Kisame threw his huge sword at the window, causing all of them to narrowly dodge it by throwing themselves out of the way.

"What's your fucking damage?" Hidan roared, clambering to his feet.

"Calm down," Konan repeated, more forcefully.

"Make way," Kisame warned, and he dived out of the window. "Sorry, this is the only way I come and go from this darned house. I can't walk around because my sword scrapes the hardwood, or kills the bugs, or shaves the paint off the walls … it's hell."

Hidan burst into a fit of scornful laughter.

"We need you, yeah," Deidara explained quickly. "Well, Itachi called us. All of us, un."

"Zetsu and Kakuzu!" Konan said.

"Zetsu … is with the dog boy … we'll get him now," Nagato mused.

"Kakuzu wouldn't come," Deidara said absently. They headed to Kiba's house and were greeted by a woman with spiky brown hair, red markings down her cheeks and slanted eyes.

Tsume Inuzuka.

"Is Zetsu here?" Konan asked quietly.

"… Sometimes," Tsume sighed, "that … _man_, doesn't sleep here. He comes back for brunch, though, and you're welcome to wait."

"No thanks," Deidara cut in quickly. "We're short on time, yeah." He turned back to the others. "Zetsu never settles down, no matter what, un," he grunted.

"Way of the spy," Nagato shrugged quietly.

"Sasori," Deidara said, remembering. They ran down to Hinata's house with the black car parked in front of it, and rang the doorbell.

Hinata answered the door. "C-Can I help you?"

"Yeah, is Sasori home?" Kisame asked.

"… Y-Yes, of course. Would you like to c-come in?"

They followed her through the door to find Sasori in a blue t-shirt and pair of sweat pants, sitting at the breakfast table and reading the newspaper while eating out of a bowl of chocolate almonds.

"What the fuck is this?" Hidan shouted. "He eats chocolate for breakfast, this is so freaking wrong!"

"What's wrong about it?" Sasori asked offhandedly, lowering the newspaper and standing up. "And why are you all here?"

"Itachi needs us," Deidara said, for about the third time in that hour.

Sasori ran his hand through his hair. "Well, too bad. I haven't showered."

"What the fuck?" Hidan cursed. "I could've _showered_?"

"No," Deidara snapped, "no one is showering. We're going to see Itachi _immediately_, because he wants us _immediately_."

Sasori sighed and looked over at Hinata, who was still sitting miserably on the futon, mourning the loss of Naruto. "You gonna be okay? Can I take the Infiniti?"

She nodded mutely and got up to close the door as he left with his Akatsuki friends.

"We're driving?" Konan asked.

Sasori nodded. "No way am I walking all the way down to Sasuke's flat."

Nagato, Kisame, Hidan and Konan all piled into the backseat as Deidara took shotgun and Sasori got behind the wheel.

"Got any music?" Sasori mumbled to Deidara, who instantly started to rummage through the glove compartment.

"There's a CD …" Deidara slid the disc into the radio and waited for the music.

Unfortunately, the volume was cranked up, and _high_. "_-first love broke my heart for the first time, and I was like BABY, BABY, BABY OOH … like BABY, BABY, BABY NOOO … like BABY-"_

"She fucking listens to this?" Hidan laughed, reaching forward and shutting it off quickly. "Justin Bieber?"

Sasori raised an eyebrow. "Guess so."

Itachi was waiting for them outside of the Uchiha flat. "Really?" He glared at Deidara. "It took you forty-five minutes to pile into Hinata's car so you could crank up Justin Bieber?"

"That was Hinata's music," Deidara mumbled in defence.

"Get inside," Itachi commanded, leading the way.

"What's going on?" Nagato demanded.

"Sasuke's gone for the whole day," Itachi smirked. "He was sent to go on a mission with his sensei."

"… Kakashi, right?" Kisame said, remembering the fight by the Konoha canals with Kurenai and Asuma and the gray-haired Jonin sensei.

Itachi just nodded. "So it's the perfect opportunity to Transform into Sasuke and make things happen for him."

"W-What are you talking about?" Nagato asked, dropping a sweat.

"All of _you guys_ are going to use Transformation Jutsu to become Sasuke," Itachi elaborated. "You'll go around the city and talk girls up. Lead them on. When my little brother comes back, he'll only have one choice on his hands."

"Hello?" Konan muttered. "He's already got about seven handfuls of choices."

"Yeah, but now we can narrow it down. You guys have to talk to all the candidates and single out one or two … then you flirt with them so that when Sasuke's back from his mission, _they'll _come to _him_," Itachi said. "Who wants cereal?"

"Ooh! Do you have any Special K?" Deidara asked excitedly.

"Nesquik?" Sasori asked.

"What is it with you and your fucking chocolate?" Hidan snapped. "I guess I'll have Special K."

"I like Mini Wheats," Nagato said suggestively.

Itachi sighed in annoyance. "Yes, Nagato, I know, and we have Mini Wheats, alright?"

Nagato smiled widely and said in a sing-song voice, "Thank you, Itachi."

"Like that wasn't creepy," Konan muttered. "If there's Nesquik, I'll have it too."

Itachi distributed cereals to everyone but Kisame, who didn't want any, and then sat down at the head of the table.

"So, what do you think?" he asked.

"Needs milk," Sasori said, poking at the cereal with his spoon.

Itachi groaned. "I meant about the plan." But he stood, crossed to the refrigerator and slammed a carton of milk down on the table, hard.

"Whoa," Hidan said from the impact, "chill. You're like a PMSing bitch virgin sometimes, I swear."

"I commend you for your choice of words," Itachi said through his teeth. "Now, tell me what you think."

"It's a nice place," Deidara said innocently, looking around.

"Oh yeah," Konan said sarcastically, "Sasuke's done a lot with it."

"Can we forget about my brother's interior designing skills?" Itachi snapped. "The plan!"

"It'd be better if we didn't have to do it," Kisame frowned.

"Fine. Kisame, you can stay at the flat with me. We'll be walkie-talking with the Sasuke-transformed."

Kisame mumbled his approval.

"No fair! I'm the one who should be staying back!" Konan pointed out. "I don't and don't look forward to having a penis."

"She's got a point," Nagato shrugged. "If anyone should be left out of this, it's her."

"I didn't say I wanted to be _left out_, I just want Kisame's job," Konan snapped.

"Don't worry about having a penis, it's great," Sasori said dryly.

"I agree completely, Sasori," Itachi said, smirking. "Two to one, Konan, you're in and that's final."

Konan gave a grunt of frustration.

Itachi ignored her and handed out earphones to everybody. "Finished your cereal?"

Everyone nodded and piled the empty bowls in the middle of the table.

"Everyone's clear on the plan?"

Everyone nodded again.

"Nagato, you can talk to the girl with brown hair and buns and brown eyes and the sweat pants and weapons; Konan, you can talk to the bigger blonde girl with the pigtails and giant fan; Sasori, you can talk to the tall girl with the blond hair and blue eyes in that creepy flower shop; Deidara, you can talk to the girl with the dark hair and the Byakugan; Hidan, you can talk to the cotton-candy-head."

Nagato pursed his lips; Konan grimaced; Sasori scowled; Deidara shrugged and Hidan frowned.

"Good. Three, two, one-"

"TRANSFORMATION JUTSU!" Five voices shouted.

.

.

.

Nagato found Tenten training at the grounds with Neji.

"What do you want?" Neji practically snarled.

"Don't talk to me like that; don't you know who I am?" Nagato said reflexively, preparing to declare himself as Pein, the leader of the Akatsuki. "I could kill you in a second!"

"You still believe that, don't you, Uchiha?" Neji smirked.

_… Wait, what? Oh, shit, I forgot … I'm Sasuke right now. _"E-Eh, ahem, um, yeah, yeah I do."

"Whatever. Why are you here?"

"I need to talk to the lovely lady," Nagato said, gesturing to Tenten in what he hoped was something Sasuke would do.

"_What the hell?" Itachi groaned to Kisame. "Sasuke never compliments girls!" _

_ Kisame picked up the walkie-talkie connected to Nagato's and said into it, "__**Drop the compliments**__". _

Nagato straightened up. "I-I mean, the average-looking lady with the sweat pants and weapons and boxy eyes and trippy jaw line and buns. The … the not-so-lovely-after-all one."

_Itachi froze. "… He overdid it."_

_ Kisame sighed. "__**You overdid it.**__"_

"I'm DOING THIS FOR YOU," Nagato practically yelled. "Least you can do is stay out of it. I got this, okay?"

"What?" Neji asked, confused, watching "Sasuke Uchiha" scream.

"Never mind. Can you just … leave, please?" Nagato sighed, fluttering his hands in the opposite direction like butterflies as he motioned for Neji to give them privacy.

"What are you planning to do with Tenten?" Neji asked cautiously.

"Get the hell out of here, you tricked up bastard, I'm not going to rape her!" Nagato said, losing his cool.

_Itachi grabbed the walkie talkie from Kisame. "__**CHILL OUT and try again!**__"_

"Fine," Nagato muttered through gritted teeth. "Could you – _please – _leave us alone, O Mighty Hyuuga?"

Neji snarled.

"Just go. Please." Nagato shot a pleading look at Tenten, which for her, seeing "Sasuke" look to her for help with such puppy-dog eyes was a surprise.

"N-Neji, just leave … I don't think he'll do anything," Tenten said honestly.

Neji stared at her in shock, and then dutifully launched himself into the air.

"I thought you were out on your first A-rank mission with Kakashi today, Sasuke," Tenten said, when they were alone.

"…"

_Itachi groaned. Did the whole village know? He said, __**"Lie. Fast." **_

Nagato fumbled with his words. "I – I saw – I don't – Kakashi was – something … something came up."

_Itachi grumbled, "__**You're not smooth enough.**__"_

Nagato grunted, "E-Eh … I stayed behind to, uh, talk to you."

_"__**Lose the stammering.**__"_

Nagato pounded his fist into a nearby tree and shouted, "I'm not PERFECT like your stupid brother, get it through your head already!"

_**"Stop it. You're creeping her out."**_

__Nagato looked up at Tenten, who was indeed creeped out. "Uh … sorry about that …"

"…"

A loud rustle of leaves filled the silence. Nagato sighed. "What … do you want to talk about?" he ventured, hoping Itachi would get the hint.

_He did. "__**Talk about relationships. I don't know … reviving the clan. Love."**_

__"Didn't you say you had something to say to _me_?" Tenten asked slowly.

"So I've been thinking lately about reviving the clan," Nagato said quickly.

"W-What?" Tenten blushed.

"You know," Nagato said, confusedly searching his head for improvisation, "_making copies_."

Tenten blushed harder. "W-What are you saying?"

"… Itachi …"

_Itachi dropped a sweat. "__**Making copies? Really? Is that all you got?"**_

__"Eh … so, you like kids, huh?"

Tenten gasped. "Sasuke!"

"What? I wasn't suggesting we go rent out a hotel and bang the drum. It was just a generic question. Do you. Like kids?"

"I like kids," Tenten said, flushing red because she thought she'd misread his meaning.

"Great, great … what do you think about Sasuke?" Nagato asked absently.

_Itachi banged his head on the wall. Kisame grabbed the walkie talkie and said, __**"YOU #$%ING BAKA, YOU JUST BLEW YOUR COVER."**_

__"Do you talk in third-person a lot?" Tenten asked, looking at Sasuke almost suspiciously.

"… Wha – oh, yeah! Yeah … I do … got a problem with that?"

"No …"

"So? What _do _you think … about – well, me."

"I … I think you're good looking," she admitted, "and so far you've been … kind of nice …"

"Cool, cool, well, just a heads up, reviving the clan takes a _lot _of sex."

_"__**NAGATO YOU ARE SO DEAD."**_

__Tenten gasped. "Sasuke!" She pushed him away from her and jumped a few feet backwards.

Nagato lifted the earphone right up to his mouth. "Put this one on the list, she so wants him," he smirked.

**"**_**… just … don't, man. Just get back here before you make things worse."**_

__Nagato turned to leave. "Well, I'm gonna leave my dirty little legacy on you right there … gotta run, buns …"

Tenten looked at "Sasuke" with incredulity and indignation.

"Oh, and one more thing, buns…"

Tenten raised her eyebrows. "Yes, _Sasuke_?"

"… Can I see your cell phone?"

Confused, she drew her mobile out of her pocket and handed it cautiously to him.

Nagato scrolled through the Contacts list until he found a desired name. Then, he started texting.

**To: **Neji

**From: **Tenten

If you're going to stalk us, could you please stop FALLING OUT OF THE TREE? … It annoys me to no end.

_Itachi looked to Kisame. "What did he use his phone for?"_

_ Kisame shrugged._

_ "…Let's just take her off the list."_

.

.

.

Konan spied the girl with the giant fan immediately. She was sitting on the park bench, eating what look like a frozen yogurt.

"So … you like frozen yogurt, then?" Konan asked.

"Why are you talking to me, Uchiha?" Temari snapped.

"What are you – oh, wait, yeah … I'm talking to you," Konan said lamely. _I forgot I was Sasuke right now. _"So you like frozen yogurt."

"This is ice cream," Temari said. "Why would you think it's frozen yogurt?"

"We're all girls here. We all wanna lose a little weight."

Temari dropped the ice cream on the ground as though it burned her skin. "…?"

_Itachi groaned. __**"Think fast, Konan," **__he said into the walkie talkie._

"Ah … I mean … just a little, you know? Lots of girls could lose a lot … no! I mean, don't cry … um … some people _need _to be fat, you know? Some people are too skinny … don't think that being fat is wrong…"

_Itachi shouted, "__**YOU'RE NOT HELPING YOURSELF." **_

Konan spoke in a whisper. "I was never this kind of crybaby … I don't know what normal girls want to hear…"

Temari was angry. "Don't think that someone like you could make me cry, Uchiha," she snapped, turning away. Anime tears streamed uncharacteristically down her face, but they vanished as she turned back to face Sasuke with a hard pokerface.

"I-I …" Konan stammered, "I never meant to call you fat, it's just that Sakura and that weird blond friend of hers in the flower store … the one Hidan's with … well, they're too skinny and it's nice to see a bit more meat on there … been getting some protein, eh?" She said the last few words in the chummy fake-accent you'd use to talk a little kid with.

"What do you think I am, your _daughter_?" Temari asked, scowling.

_Kisame looked at Itachi with a desperate expression. Itachi glared at the walkie talkie in his hand. "__**Konan, just play your seduction card. Give it all you got and get out of there." **_

__Konan sighed. "Fine," she muttered. "No, I don't think you're my daughter … but how do you feel about making some daughters?"

She tried to make her voice sexy, and if she was still a girl, it would have come out husky and successful; but she was Sasuke, and it only deepened and quieted his voice into a menacing threat.

"Are you _threatening me_?" Temari snapped.

"Ah … eh …"

**"Fly, little birdie," **_Kisame murmured with pity in his voice. _

Konan didn't need to be told twice.

_Itachi turned to Kisame. "I think we can drop this one from the list."_

.

.

.

Sasori walked in to Ino's flower shop.

"Yamanaka Flower Shop, how can I – oh! Sasuke-kun!" Ino squealed and clung onto his arm.

Sasori shook her off, annoyed. "Urgh … uh, hey?"

"Hey Sasuke-kun! Did you come here to see me?" Ino purred.

**"Say yes. Yes Ino, I did." **

"Yes," Sasori said robotically. "Yes Ino, I did."

"Eh? … Okay … why? Are you asking me out?"

"No," Sasori said, cutting off Itachi before he could tell him what to say to that. Sasuke, Sasori thought, had a hard enough life without this whacko girl clinging to him everywhere.

"I am so in love with you, Sasuke-kun, and I would be the perfect wife and give you lots of sons and we could live happily ever after and make each other so, so happy…"

_Kisame turned to Itachi. "Wow. She played the sex card before we could. That's gotta be a first."_

Unfortunately, Sasori heard that. "Okay," Sasori muttered, "_now_, I am definitely not going to play your stupid sex card. She's going to dead-seriously rape me if I do."

_Itachi groaned. Kisame shrugged, "He's got a debatable point."_

"So … how's … Hidan?" Sasori ventured.

"Why do you want to know about _him_, Sasuke-kun?" Ino wrinkled her nose. "He keeps swearing! Left and right! Getting me in shit with my parents!"

Sasori shrugged. "I don't really care … do something about it …"

"Oh, I will," Ino said, running upstairs in a flash.

Sasori sighed and reversed the Transformation Jutsu. He pulled the tiny headphone connected to the walkie-talkie out of his ear **(A/N: I figured you might be wondering how they could talk into walkie-talkies without the girls seeing; guess I forgot to mention that only Itachi and Kisame have hand-held devices and these 'Sasukes' are all wearing a headphone.) **

He was leaning against the wall, drained of chakra. The metal cuff on his ankle that Tsunade had installed had been consuming away at the chakra it took to maintain his Sasuke Transformation and now he was exhausted.

He didn't know how long he stayed in the flower shop, unable to move, but Ino came down again. He looked at the clock, it had been a while.

"Eh? Sasori?" she looked at him. "Are you here to buy flowers?"

"No … just catching my breath," he said truthfully.

"Oh." She looked down at the object in her hand. "Well. If you see Hidan, tell him he should think twice before he swears again."

"Wha-?"

"Sasuke-kun was just here; he told me to pay Hidan back for getting me in trouble all the time. And I did," Ino grinned. "I was _thinking of Sasuke-kun _in my bedroom just now."

Sasori dropped a sweat. _A.k.a. MASTURBATING_, he thought frantically.

"And you can't think of hot guys like Sasuke-kun with just nothing," Ino continued. She held something up for Sasori to see.

Hidan's electric toothbrush.

Sasori ran outside into the street, vomited at the door of the flower shop, and smashed the little headphone back into his ear.

"Can we take her off the list … _please_?"

.

.

.

Hinata opened the door to find "Sasuke".

"Eh? U-Uchiha-san?"

Deidara grinned. This, Hinata noted, was very uncharacteristic for Sasuke. "Hey, Hinata."

"So … uh …"

_Itachi smacked his forehead. "Why does he sound so cheerful? God, I hope that dumbass isn't grinning like an idiot."_

_ Kisame raised the walkie talkie to his mouth. "__**If you're smiling, stop.**__"_

Deidara's smile was wiped off his face instantly to be replaced with a menacing grimace. Hinata took a step back.

"I-Is there any reason y-you came here today, Uchiha-s-san?"

_Itachi grabbed the walkie talkie. "__**Say something. Anything. Her hair, her kitchen, her food, her music, Sasori's room…"**_

__"So you listen to Justin Bieber," Deidara winged quickly, remembering the car ride earlier.

Hinata blushed, confused. "H-How could you p-possibly know that, U-Uchiha-san?"

_Kisame sighed. __**"Oh, you little idiot." **_

Deidara scratched his chin. "Uh, Sasori and Deidara and stuff took your car this morning, right? I heard them."

Hinata nodded. That seemed to suffice for her. "Y-You a-aren't wearing your n-necklace, Uchiha-san … n-not that you h-have to! I-It's…"

_Itachi clicked his tongue. "__**Transformation gone bad, Deidara?"**_

___Kisame furrowed his brow. "I don't think so. None of the other transformations had necklaces and no one noticed. She must be the only one who knows about it, then."_

_ Itachi nodded. "__**Then, improvise."**_

__Deidara obeyed. "I … took it off in the shower?"

Hinata nodded and looked away.

_Itachi closed his eyes. __**"This is getting us nowhere. Just talk about hooking up or something. Plant an innuendo and get out of there." **_

__Deidara didn't need to be told twice. He gazed into Hinata's eyes and smirked the way he thought Sasuke might smirk. The "Uchiha" placed his hand on the flat of her stomach.

"Soon," he said, "… this will be plump with my seed."

_Itachi banged his head against the table. _Deidara ran.

.

.

.

Sasuke walked through the door of his flat. "ITACHI!" he roared. "What is that Hyuuga's Infiniti doing parked outside?"

Sasori raised a limp hand. "Hey."

"Answer your question?" Itachi said, tossing a can of soda to Nagato, who was sprawled across the sofa.

"Why are you _all here_," Sasuke asked through his teeth.

After an uncomfortable silence, Konan sighed. "We've done something bad, Sasuke," she admitted.

Itachi sent her ludicrous arm gestures from the kitchen. _What? No! Stop talking! NO! What do you think you're SAYING? _"We – uh, lost something of yours. That's it. Nothing really," he mended smoothly.

"What was it?" Sasuke growled.

Before Itachi could lie, Sasori clicked his tongue sadly. "… Your pride."

.

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**A/N: Leave me a review! For any SasuHina fans who prefer LEGIT SasuHina love problems and fights and passion and romance and fluff, I have begun a more serious fic. **

**Go to my page and check it out! :) Please? And review for that, too! **


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